Dear Mom...
I needed to somehow let you know the depths of sorrow I feel watching over you and seeing the sadness that still looms over you...your heart heavy with the pain my passing has inflicted upon you...I need you to know that I am always there...riding alongside you...I watch you...I smile when you smile...I am in the laughter that you hear in the distance...the music you and dad listen to...I am the peacefulness you feel when you allow yourself to drift off to sleep at night...I'm there...I know you see me, I visit you almost every night in your slumber. No goodbyes or explanations to you by me left you wondering...painstakingly trying to see the whys and cast blame on yourself...but you're not to blame...never. You were a good mom---the best, you knew how I felt about you, I made a huge mistake and I lost my life to it...but your life doesn't end...it's not meant to so you need to gather what's left and mend...you and dad and Jordan, I loved my family and all those around me knew this...we had such love inside our hearts and home...things will eventually get easier...I just need you to know that I am safe...and that I am happy...and our love, the one that me and you had a mom and son...will never fade, I love you...Adam xoxo

*I had such vivid dreams of Adam lately and could almost touch and smell him...when I awoke I could smell his cologne "Joop"...in this dream he asked me to write a letter to myself from him...so that's exactly what I did...I need to continue to heal...

The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you, it is when you don't understand yourself...

The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief - But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love...

Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries ...it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.

She wrote "I'm chasing my dreams harder than ever because his dreams were cut short. I'll never forget him"...me either...as I sat writing back and forth with a girl Adam went to Catholic grade school with...a tomboy he had a little crush on in 2nd or 3rd grade...yup, I've been trying to chase all sorts of things since he left us here...jumping out of shadows into light once again...trying to find light from out of the darkness...trying to recreate a new "self" again...after my loss...the self I am now isn't the one I was...I see I'll never be her again and I mourne that too...
but who am I now? Remarkably, I am still here...I chose not to jump off a bridge...or bury my head 'neath the sand...and I, like her...need to create new dreams and chase after them...life without Adam...swallowing hard each day to verbalize that into words that are spoken...and absorbed...and finally...understood.

Limitations live only in our minds...if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless...since you've left me here behind...I had to learn how to live with loss...and each day I awake I make a conscious effort and decision that I need to get through another day...with hopes that it'll be a good one...and that a small piece of you will somehow reflect in a moment of that new day...and it does, with my heart wide open I have pushed all limits aside...I have learned so much from you here and now with you gone...Many things we've shared I focus on...always with pride...knowing what a good soul you possessed...where others may have paused...I somehow took hold of strength inside to push my limits...I love you Adam...always and forever xoxo