I live on. Out of respect and deep love for you and all of who you were to so many.   I know that I've watched others shut down. Unable to live anymore. Out of respect for you and the life you lost. I live on. I live on. With Hopes my life can live for yours too. That I can absorb some hopes of happiness that you'll feel. That somehow you'll watch me and smile down upon me knowing that your life was lost but it didn't ruin mine. I live in in hopes that the way I live.  Makes you proud.  

One of my favorite things anymore is getting up early and curling up in my cozy chair with a cup of ☕️ coffee.  My quiet reflective time.  My time to truly turn everything else off and open my heart.  Head. Ears.  Mind.  Today the sun shined brightly.  I heard the musical songs of birds chirping on the wire near my window. Peace.  Perhaps I know what peace is...someone once told me when life throws so much at you.  The gift you get back is knowing peace.  We become strong.  Unshakable.  Wise.  

If  you want to survive something as devastating as child loss you seriously need to reinvent yourself. As harsh as it sounds you'll have to in order to live on amongst others. The part of you that lived because of your child is no longer there.  And living in that hollow void evaporates all of your  emotions. Striving to be a different version of yourself  coupled with living each day to the fullest with quiet remembrances of our son is what we have done.  There is never a day or night we don’t sit and reflect on how much we loved him.  Or how hard it’s been living this life without him being able to grow alongside us....

“I noticed the many ways that life was constantly ending and beginning.

I paid more attention to moments of unexpected beauty.

I sought out joy and surprise.

I embraced the little things that would have made Adam laugh, and the opportunities to use everything that he had taught me in our times together. 

The more I looked, the more I found him. And the more I found him, the deeper I looked.

Eventually, I stopped seeing this life as something that separated us… and I started to see it as the very thing that could once again connect us.

I couldn’t follow where Adam had gone, so I would find all the ways that he was still here with me.

I welcomed the glow of sunlight that filled my house.

I looked up at the stars, more than I ever had before.

I planted things in the earth and watched them grow.

I opened myself up to everything, the woe. The sorrow, and the happiness… and I felt my place in all of it. I found the way back to my sweet Adam and in my search for him..

I found my way back to life.”

Life will never be the same.  And I miss you deeply. But the love you had for me helps me to endure. Xoxoxo