changes...Ted and I knew we had to do something more...so about three years ago a conversation with new friends turned into a community effort which in essence has been warming our hearts, I guess it's helped us continue to feel purpose at a time when we questioned whether we still had one....or at least I know I felt that way.  I'm 52 now...I watch others with many different blessings that come at this time and age....and I pray often to see what God has ahead.  I wish I wish I truly wish I knew what He had ahead for me....yet I do understand I must wait....and life He gave...this very sad and challenging one without Adam inside it is mine...and I must continue on inside of it with purpose.  My friends on the hill encourage us....believe in us...see a light within that...singing carols, baking cookies, laughing...sharing ideas to do good things, we all have our stories....we all have a reason WHY we gravitated together, I truly believe that.  Last night I answered the door, Hazel barking like usual....I see a lovely lady standing there with a Christmas tote filled with homemade cookies....She hands them to me to use for our caroling project Sunday....you see we sing Christmas songs and end each visit with a little bag of tasty cookies to the shut in we entertain....only this lady had a different story, she wasn't donating for any old reason...she was paying it forward, we tears she told me our group sang to her VERY ill husband last winter and he enjoyed it so much, it made a difference in his day, choking back tears I asked about him now????  He passed she said I enveloped her into my arms, together we cried about loss...I have learned that only those who endured GREAT loss understand the hearts fully of those who encountered GREAT LOSS....my heart was full and although I cried awhile after she left....I know that I am being drawn into the right places...and God surrounds us with the people we are supposed to be with....

july

sadness lives within my heart...somehow I have learned to live around it.  I hide it...I put it in places where others do not see it...keeping busy with life has helped....I turned a corner years ago deciding I needed to live the closest to normal of a life that I could....people like me, we become "good" at it, good at disguising our pain....good at blending in...yup, that's me.  Last night I went to a graduation party and watched old neighbors talk....laugh....share stories.  Many times years ago it was Adam that was part of that circle...as times continues to march forward, less stories or talk of Adam is heard.  The life he had and shared stopped completely, Ted and I are left with little stories we remember and share with each other daily....I am crying as I type this because I do not know what I would do...who I would be....or what person I might have become had i not had his strength and love and belief in me...I watch him go through his life...and he carries himself with utter Grace and Dignity, he taught me by example how to continue...not everyone understands me...I think after Adam died that I somehow thought everyone would always be nice...play fair and be kind, especially with my situation...but in life, there is no free pass and as sad as it is...I've learned to gravitate to what feels "good" and distance myself from the negativity....by doing this I have learned the value of great friends....I have opened myself to new things, even silly things that I would have never done in another lifetime...I grew strong, but I also grew much more empathy along my path...there isn't a single thing I couldn't talk about...or listen to...or understand.  I feel wisdom (sometimes anyway)....from the healing of my own pain and what I've learned from it....I have learned to listen....actually listen....and through this I have learned much....MUCH about myself and much about those around me.  I still like "the me" I am...and have no desire to ever follow others in changing who I am....Ted and I embrace our good days and encourage each other...we also encourage others.  We keep our bodies strong, we walk, jog, bike...there is nothing that makes your soul feel more alive than being outdoors surrounded by the glorious beauty of nature...and those butterflies and red winged blackbirds still follow us along those trails, perhaps little signs that our son is watching us...I wonder what Adam would think of us...of me?  If he's be proud of where we are?  The journey we traveled...I miss him so much....

....another Christmas came and gone without you Adam...it's been 7 Christmas's without your warmth filling our home...without your laughter bellowing through the rooms, without the sight of your smiles as you'd make your entrance...God I miss you...next month marks 7 years since you left us...SO much media coverage lately on an actress who died and her famous mother who died the very next day of a broken heart...I cannot believe that I am still here...living life without you, my sweet son.  I made a promise to myself, that I would try (with every bit of my being)...to live each day in life for you...the parts of "me" that you loved best I would focus on preserving....with this new year I am vowing even more change...the strength I have from my Faith and love will continue to direct me to where I feel safe---comfortable and meant to be...I love you, always and forever xoxo