It's that time of the year...when people all around gather to celebrate the Joy of the season...and for those who never endured great losses...there is no way that anyone else could fathom what a family like ours does...and with time, it seems perfectly normal to think those not affected---with loss...assume that families like ours have moved onward...there is a reason God put me with Teddy...I know there is no woman on this earth that loves her husband more than I do...no one...he walks me through each season...we grew together in a different way I suppose. SO much of life's happenings further bonded our love...time has helped us see beauty once again....we both agree this Autumn was the most spectacular we've ever witnessed...perhaps because we spend so much time enjoying it together...our long walks on leaf covered trails...sharing coffee on big rocks along the way...glimpses of birds that fly haphazardly along our way... our favorite trek is a hike to Mount Pisgah...the view from the top is spectacular...our beautiful little town, the scurry of activity below us...while where we stand it is silent...nature's silence...the faint whispers of trees leaning in the breeze...a chirp of a bird, the scatter of a chippie...but not much more than that...I guess when we're up there we feel closer to Heaven..closer to God, closer to Adam...the silence is soothing...and when Ted and I are together, we speak with our hearts, our eyes...no need for deep conversations when all that surrounds us is telling us a story...Thanksgiving Day came...and we took time to count the Blessings in our lives...although it's definitely a more difficult task...but again, we somehow got through it...surrounded by some really great friends who care deeply...

There isn't much to write anymore...same heart-wrenching pain...whoever said it gets easier lied...and we need to put on brave faces and smiles, I miss you...

Dear Adam-- This year is my year of changes...after you died, I know a huge part of me died too...I still suffer the lingering blows your death placed upon me...but somewhere, somehow, I got some strength...and your dad and I are working toward a cause, one you'd be amazed by, hopefully, we'll be able to fulfill this commitment we made, to trek 65 miles from Philly to Atlantic City...nothing's been easy, the thoughts of being able to continue living after you left me seemed dismal...and here I am, 47 and reaching goals that only strong people attain, not someone like me...as I ride on Sunday, I'm wearing your riding gloves...wearing your necklace (the one with the shamrock) and I've trained hundreds of miles on your old bike. Of course I fell a time or two...but you know what??? Somehow I got back up and back on...when I ride along the beautiful pathways with your dad, I envision you, your blonde hair blowing in the breeze, riding right alongside me, I hear your laughter in the air, as I traverse onward, I hear your voice in the distance, cheering me on---I feel your gentle push on my shoulders, telling me you're right behind me, NO one loved you as I did...as a mom I know this is truth...I miss you each moment of each day...I keep hoping that this heaviness will lessen...the exasperating feeling that you are no here, with us... ride with me...this week-end, keep watch over us and help us stay safe, I love you, always and forever, your Mom XOXO

existing...that's how many live after loss....relearning how to breathe again---how to hold one's head up and push back the tears that lie waiting to fall....learning how to suppress the utter sadness...living in silence, holding back pain as the smiles we place on our faces fools nearly everyone...I don't have to pretend with him, nor he with I....together we can grieve...we can recant our tales....holler at the world, hold each other until each other's shirts are wet from tears....we can still say that it's not fair...we can talk about how much we loved him too---sometimes he and I can laugh and smile...as we remember the times before...our great loss, nothing's the same....nothing at all...we somehow how learned to live a different life...it's going on too....life...without him, unimaginably---walking by the old iron bridge the other night I looked down, I remember weeping desperately one day probably a month after Adam died...alone----like I was so often then, I wandered helplessly to the overlook, gazing down on the freezing flow of rocks and river waters...wondering if my absence would even matter....when Adam died...his death mattered...so many people were affected by his loss....through this journey...the journey that was chosen for me to live and endure---I came to see who I really am---and I never stopped believing in me...nor will I...as the dark days s-l-o-w-l-y began to clear...I realized what truly mattered and what really never did---I hope I matter...that somehow, in someway....someone was touched by me---that before I die...I may have made the lives of others just a little brighter through my spirit....

although nothing has been easy---the journey that we face does go on---somedays are easier than others...although in reality each day we face---poses new challenges...and for those who pay attention closely, it's the little conquests that we overcome...or the small achievements that we meet---that give us strength and present us with renewed Faith...I told Jordan that cooking has become my medicine... when I am lost in the kitchen, pouring over my recipes...my mind is lost for a bit---a welcome thing for Ted and I... never far away is our thoughts of Adam...oftentimes, when Ted and I are alone, we have the chance to weep together...without him, I don't know what each of us would do to cope...but when we hold each other and share one another's pain...it somehow helps...no one loved Adam more than we did....no one else can understand the pain I feel better than he does...each day

....thank you anyone---who has....over the past three years walked alongside of me...who held my hand as I gently wept...thank you for remembering me...but even more so, for remembering my son Adam...gratefulness is something that wasn't taken when I lost Adam...nor was my Faith, dignity or respect...sometimes tragedy can ravage oneself...end friendships...relationships...and bonds of trust...I'd be lying to myself to say I was unaffected...because I was in some ways...but I do think losing my loving son has left me untainted in a world that is quite messed up sometimes...and I...in my sadness have still maintained that level of love...care and respect that my children loved most about me...I sit each day blogging inside my head...remembering all the little memories I can...in the time I had with my family of four...so much has changed...and never has so much meant so little...but when you lose so much...it's a struggle to move ahead and nothing seems great anymore...but I do have great love...and I hold my head up to the sun each day---hoping for it's radiance to catch my face...asking God to continue to help me take steps in a forward pattern...and to Bless this life that remains...Three years ago today I had my normal life...until the middle of the night----it all unraveled...Please pray for us especially today and tomorrow...as we remember the life of Adam LaRizzio, a kind and loving, HUGE hearted young man who simply died way too soon...may he be remembered with smiles and joy forever...