"I'm happy for your strength as you lift mountains and create trails in the forest to make an imprint like a river"...powerfully put words...I ponder the depth of the young man who wrote that...to me....with sincerity....my young friend...Adam's childhood friend, mentor...big brother figure....super hero many, many times...a boy who'd defend him till the end...even now in Adam's death...he still fights the demons that on occasion find us...I wonder what Adam would say if he could right now...I know he'd be amazed at the support his friends gave to us, continually...I remember much...because little things always meant so much...I'm glad I got to see my son interact...I'm Blessed I knew his friends...and in amazement I still am witness to those, like Earl, who want Adam's memory not to fade...to be remembered for the good he did, the hearts he touched and the love he gave to those around. Sadly, there are others who try and rip apart what we believe and hold steadfast to....but...."death visits everyone, only a few get to hang around being immortalized"...and like those who knew him well..."his memory" isn't of how he died...it's how he lived his life and the legacy of love that still follows...

Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today...

...in a life of uncertainty, no one really knows what's going to happen next...the good...the bad, the unpredictability of it all...the only constant is that we have this one moment...and a chance to say what we feel inside our hearts...there is nothing at all that scares me anymore...because the worst thing that could happen...already has. I guess what I have left now is a depth of knowledge...recognition and an understanding of what everyone else has felt...who had been consumed by a severe loss as I...and I have been given the choice of using it...this new found knowledge...or allowing it to bring me down. Obviously I've chosen to use it's strength...but many moments still make me catch my breath...
I sat in church today and saw an elderly couple walking up to Father with the gifts for communion...something we Catholics do in memory of a loved one passed...my eyes welled up watching them...both white haired and fragile, him holding her by the arm...every bit of seventy something...choking back the tears...thinking, that will be me and Ted one day...walking up the aisle...remembering the son we lost...we'll be old people carrying the gifts with shaky hands...it's moments like that that almost make me give up...and then I look to my left and see Jordan, his soft hazel eyes smiling at me and I realize there's something more I have to do still...there's something more....until I see you again my sweet son...I will look for you each night in my dreams....always and forever, I will love you...

Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet....eighteen little words with monumental meaning...of course this rings true for me, for us...for Jordan who also struggles daily, as we...try to place one foot in front of the other and make movements forward...but in life...as we, the victims of sudden tragedy and sadness...watch as others who can't seem to move forward in their own lives and who haven't been afflicted with events nearly as bad as ours....but then again...I pause and reflect and think...God gives us strength to endure...it's the steps in a path I have created myself that he allows me to walk on...where others might lack strength, somehow God provides me with the inner strength that leads me onward. I pray constantly for continued strength...and that this path Ted and I and Jordan walk upon becomes less burdensome...and that my son especially...finds less toils along his way...and that Peace and Joy are 'round the bend...

I was wrapping an elderly woman's foot on Friday afternoon...she was utterly adorable and sweet, I was happy she was my last patient of the day...because the last patient is the one I get to spend the longest with...and then she looks at me and for some reason tells me about her family...her little one...comprised now of only a daughter. She goes onto tell me she had a son, who served his country in Vietnam...and was exposed to agent orange and died at 33...with with her little foot still held within my hands, I continue to wrap...and talk and listen...she tells me she had a wonderful husband...and her daughter who loved her....but she still thinks of him...the son she lost... everyday...and looks forward to seeing him soon, she is afterall 88, and not having the courage to ask (for it may have pained us both equally knowing she hadn't seen him for 30, 40 or perhaps 50 yrs. now)...but after I removed my gloves...and washed my hands, I sat down on her bed and put my arms around her...and told her I knew her pain. I asked her how long it took her to go through the worst of it all...I told her my struggles, and she eased me with her response..."my Lord, it's only been 17 months...it's early yet, it took me a few years...but you need to stay strong and I think you are...". I guess I am....for there are no other choices here...and we are as strong as we allow ourselves to be. Adam's death has taught me much...I know what's important and what's not...I know what's good and sincere...I recognize insincerities...I raidiate in warmth of those who truly care...and distance myself from anyone who causes my heart to ache...and I keep my heart open...and remember all the Joy that once lived inside...it never escaped...it's still in there...living...breathing...waiting...for my heart to continue healing....

I do not understand the mystery of grace—only that it meets us where we are, but does not leave us where it found us.

I would be true, for there are those who trust me;
I would be pure, for there are those who care;
I would be strong, for there is much to suffer;
I would be brave, for there is much to dare;
I would be brave, for there is much to dare.

I would be friend of all--the foe, the friendless;
I would be giving, and forget the gift;
I would be humble, for I know my weakness;
I would look up, and laugh, and love and lift.
I would look up, and laugh, and love and lift.

I would be faithful through each passing moment;
I would be constantly in touch with God;
I would be strong to follow where He leads me;
I would have faith to keep the path Christ trod;
I would have faith to keep the path Christ trod.

i would be true - howard arnold walter - 1906

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast,
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
"That laundry is not very clean", she said.
"She doesn't know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a
Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this."

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows."

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others
Depends on the purity of the window through which we look!