"Confidence comes from not always being right—but not fearing being wrong".

You're that kind of friend....

...there are friends we meet upon the road of life....such as we ALL have known....who turn aside when the way is rough and leave us to journey alone...
But the friend who's true and sees us through...who stands by to the end...
with a friendly smile....that's the friend worthwhile...and you're just that kind of friend...
...amazingly, my best friend gave me this poem....on a wrinkled and worn old card from Hallmark....circa 1934...it was signed Micky Yaccino....and Lisa found this little treasure on her little trips through yard sales...and thought of me...and "us" and rare and beautiful friendship that our lives have encompassed over the past four decades...and with wonder and amazement I reflect on how much meaning that little card shows to me...and also...again (over and over) I think about Lisa's love...it was "that" which has helped me see a light ahead...it was her comforting voice and continuued encouragement that led be to believe in new tomorrows...it was her who never let go of my hand while I walked across my river of fear...my heart breaks for those who don't know "that kind of friend" but my heart also swells with gratitude for all the Grace and Love she surrounds me with...and makes me believe...that I was "that kind of friend" all along, too...whoever Micky wrote that card to back in 1934...well she sure was lucky...

Dear Adam...
Life is so hard...it's truly a challenge that your passing has put me through...daily. The ups and downs...trying to fit in...trying to make sense...of the senseless...And it seems as though everything I do is difficult...yesterday was really hard on me...even more so than other days...which all seem to be like climbing a mountain. A mom I met was telling me about how her child was projected to die before he hit his teens...and as she so passionately spoke about her love...her child...she looked me square in the eyes and said "I'll bet you or others never thought about arranging a child's funeral...or getting ready to let go of someone so loved"...and fighting back tears and avoiding her gaze reading into my mind...I nodded...and listened and felt that return of the sickening sadness that often overwhelms me...and again, I played the support role I was so accustomed to taking on...and as I left...with my guarded secret safe...I silently fell apart inside the warmth and haven of my car...and I drove on...I thought about you...again for the millionth time...and how I had to let you go...and accept with blind sightedness...the fact that I'll never see you again...my wishfulness that I loved you enough...told you enough...how amazing you were...love, Mom xoxo

grief...the faceless monster most people won't recognize until it comes personally knocking on their door...the grim and dismal affect it casts upon you that follows you like a shadow...never being able to run and hide from it...grief...like I have learned is long and arduous...I can easily see now where it can alter lives significantly...indefinitely...unendingly...where little old ladies...and little old men die shortly after they experience loss....their grief consumes them and they actually die of broken hearts...I live "this life" day in and day out...I drift between wanting to float along...versus the desire to change lives...I so desperately want to change lives...I have Faith and passion like no other....but there seems to be so many obstacles...some days I buy into others weaknesses...or shrink as I visualize the pain they feel even trying to "talk about it"...Adam has become the ghost in the room...I'd like to say "not with me"...but it's true...I'm learning how I can "talk" about him without others looking at me with strange eyes and odd expressions...I think MANY people think when someone dies...you aren't supposed to talk about them anymore...it's like when you bury them...you bury everything else...and for many...they simply don't know or perhaps even care to know what someone like ME is feeling inside my head. I have to sit day in and day out listening to other's tales...woes...issues...and smile like it means something...all the while I fight the sadness inside my mind...courageuos? I guess you could say I am...and I listen...learn...as I fight my way "back" each day...and you know what else? I want to change lives...I want to make someone else's life change...in a positive way...I don't want to sit and repeat the same unfulfilling things day in and day out...and these past few months of self-reflection is like seeing myself in a mirror for the first time...someone told me to be gentle on myself...as I heal....she's right, now she needs to tell others to be that way...

"Courage can be a form of tenaciousness, a refusal to quit because you’re tired, hurt, humiliated or emotionally broken".

"Now I wake me up to live; I'll give life all I have to give. If today I face a test, I'll cope and pray and do my best. With each breath and step I take, be with me, Lord, for heaven's sake"...

....never let them get you down....sometimes bad relationships are like drug addictions...bad marriages...troubled friends....misery is like a sinking ship...and those on that ship are pulling others on board only to have them sink along with them....toxic friends are like heroin...Valium...or morphine...or whatever addictive drug you can compare it to...Adam's death saved others...it's become a sad tale we as his family must now live and breathe...especially to "have not known" and "have not possessed the mere chances" of hope to recognize and prevent...and through the past 13 months of ongoing pain and misery...our own personal loss...our deepest wishes now are that others will learn from this. I've never been an expert on anything, not at all...I pale in so many ways...but the one thing I think I always had was compassion...and through this journey...I hope to promote healing as I continue to heal...I hope others look at us...the most unsuspecting family and see that "this" truly can pick anyone if it chose us...there is a randomness of it all...drugs cross all genres...all walks of life and shows no discrimination...and it's family members like us...who are forever altered...but perhaps seeing us...and the sadness that follows...will show others that the worst case scenerio...can really happen to them...

"Peace is not the absence of trouble....but the presence of God".

Me....I grew in knowing in my heart that "belief" was to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so and through my beliefs...I grew love and trust...beliefs...without them, we are like fragile shells...beliefs allow us to become the people we strive to become...beliefs allow us to experience greater things...to believe in rainbows in the horizon and Hope that tomorrow will bring better days...part of a belief is taking comfort in knowing others believe in us...for without that...we would fall apart...many people ask me from where I get my strength? And it's sometimes hard to figure out myself...because so many sad things followed me over this past year...losing my son...and all the uncomfortable moments a mom should have never been face to bear...and through all my tears and questioning to God...I never got an answer...at least not in words...but through the actions of others...my beliefs got stronger that perhaps the fog would lift...and it has...tonight was a special night for us...hundreds of people filled the rooms of Eggfest...tales of Adam mixed with toasts of glasses raised high to celebrate the life lived my a young man who seemed to touch the hearts and souls of all he met...and I, as Adam's mom was encircled in embraces a whole evening long...I knew how special our family had been...and my beliefs continue to give me strength where many would have given in...whispered words in my ears...of how much he is missed...and all the little things he said or did that made them want to remember him...had I raised him well? I look at Jordan and see his smile...as he raised his glass to the brother he lost...two amazing sons...I believe I did the best I could...I believe...in me...in us...Facebook

"Something awesome happens when you do things out of love, especially toward those who have wronged or upset you"...as much as my life as I once knew it...has been altered...I still want to be the person I once was...or at least as close as I can be...although through something as tragic as this past year has been....there are some things that pain me so much...it's hard to recollect those same feelings of love for certain people and relationships...and as usual, I look to Ted for inspiration....
I always wanted to be a special mother...my growing up years were different...by the time I was born, my folks didn't bother too much with the relatives, so many of them didn't even get to know me...and I think often times, as I grew up, they, the relatives just presumed I was like the rest of my family....withdrawn...maybe unusual?.... although in actuality, I was quite different...Always deep and soulful...I yearned to take care of others and nurture a family...I always wished for a closer family base with my cousins/aunts/uncles...and it was actually quite interesting reconnecting with some...in the nicest ways. My one cousin was astounded to see and learn about ME....and what made me tick...and what I was made up of...she LOVED how I adored my family...how I treated my patients....cared for my parents...and attended to my friendships...nothing would ever be too much...if it was done for love, then it was a necessary thing to do...simple as that...and THAT effort was most exerted towards my kids and their friends...I wanted to make their growing up years the BEST that they could be...I was the band girl whose parents didn't attend her games...my Mom would always say "you understand, we don't like football"...and I'd accept that...and when I was in Pom Pom squad I was the only girl whose parents wouldn't be there... again I'd hear "you understand, we don't like basketball"...and I'd nod and accept it...and that's how it always was....even when my boys were little, the T-ball games, the football games...no one ever knew who my parents were...I always felt alone...so Ted and me, we became the ultimate fans for our kids as they grew up...along with his mom and sister...the four of us wouldn't miss a beat...I worked yet still managed to make every practice, game, scrimmage...dance and prom...whatever it took, I'd be there, along with my Teddy...I have no regrets there...because I took lots of mental notes all through my lonely years of not having a parent in attendance...and now I yearn for more parental support through my LOSS...and I heard once again..."you understand....." and I did understand until recently, like a stinging slap across my face, a brutal dose of reality hit me...why did I allow my self to become absorbed into thinking that my life revolved around my ongoing wishfulness for something that never was...and probably could never be...I see now that all my "tries" in the world aren't enough if that other set of people aren't trying back...and for the times I'd wallow in self-pity (silently...), I lost concept that all along I had ample substitutes for those not here...Two weeks ago was another hard day...a day of remembering losing my son and marking one year passed...and as I sat crying all day into the night...and had people filtering through my home who cared...my self-pity mode kicked in as I suffered with the thoughts and reality that not one biological person even bothered to check in on me...again...well...God Graced me with wisdom and I realized he surrounded me with others who are angels here on earth...and that I am not a victim...I don't want pity...I strive for strength...victims make excuses...wallow in pity and accept failures...me? I'm a survivor. Yes, I see now that there is something more ahead...I'm still not sure what my new life entails, but I am different...

..I took a ball to the face tonight...actually trying to break away from my "norm" by playing volleyball with people much better than me...what was I thinking anyway? Me...for the past year...feeling like such a failure...and the constant reminders that reinforce this feeling...again, tonight, approached by someone who hasn't seen me in over a year...is now witnessing me...my altered self. He bear hugged me...and it reminded me of Adam...he remembered me telling him of my sons...and he remembered hearing my sad...torturous story...and he went onto to try and comfort me...telling me he had an addicted brother. And there it was...the reminder...actually that uncomfortable thing I have to talk about and explain...that Adam wasn't an addict...at least not as we...society tend to depict in our minds...Adam was bright and loving...possessing rare innocence and a need for peace...he lived each day trying to calm the uneasy minds of those around him...and as Ted can explain so readily...that even someone who uses drugs once....can succumb to it's horrible affects. Adam wasn't any of that...and I now face a lifetime of correcting other's thoughts...and preserving Adam's memory...and while I was a failure at the sport of volleyball this evening...it just made me realize I'm not good at lots of things...but I still try...

"When there is nothing left but God, that is when you see that God is all you need..."

just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to....doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have...

it's not having everything go right...it's facing whatever goes wrong...
it's not being without fear, it's having the determination to go on in spite of it...
what is most important is not where you stand...
but the direction you're going in....
it's more than never having bad moments, it is knowing you are always bigger than the moment...
it's believing you have aready been given everything you need to handle life...
it's not being able to rid the world of all it's injustices...
it's being able to rise above them...
it's the belief in your heart...
that there will always be more good than bad in the world...
remember to live just this one day...
and not add tomorrow's troubles to today's load...
remember that every day ends...and brings a new tomorrow...
and me...I go to sleep each night...with hopes of seeing Adam in my dreams...and that's what keeps me going...until we meet again someday...