Dear Adam,
Janie told me today that she caught herself saying something that she's always quite frequently said...to another person who was concerned about some issue that was occurring in their life..."it all happens for a reason..." and then she stopped, paused and decided that statement no longer holds truth...when she told me this her eyes welled with tears...no one who knows me...or who knew you understands the reason...and the saddest part is that we'll never know...all I can do is wait...probably another lifetime until I see you again...perhaps that's why it was so difficult for me, the past couple of days, my birthday and the days that led up to it...just another occasion in the year of firsts that I am forced to face. I talked with Lisa today and told her as brutally difficult as it is...it's either push through this difficult struggle or sink into the sadness that surrounds me...it's a much easier choice to succumb to sorrow...and wallowing in my own self-pity, after all, I deserve it, don't I...no, I don't...for I do see that life goes on...and as much as I want it to pause...and yearn for everyone else to see what lives inside my head and heart...that's virtually impossible and improbable...so I muster strength and face the next day that awaits me...I am praying daily for angels to guide me...along this difficult journey...

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted...he rescues those who are crushed in Spirit" (Psalms 34:18)....a kind soul sent me that quote and I feel some comfort in those few words pieced together so eloquently....just felt the need to share that one....

I dreamt well last night...vivid and real...the sounds...the sights... I was walking at the high school stadium, while a football game was playing...as usual, many attendees surrounded the perimeter of the field as they watched the game play on with bated breath...seemed like I did that same "walk around" so many times before, countless...so many of my sons games to attend...and the happiness that ensued...in my dream...I was with Ted and with random friends whose faces I cannot recall...just people walking next to us and chatting...like any other game...I glanced to my right and saw him...it was Adam...his golden hair shined from the stadium light casting glimmered rays of iridescence...he was surrounded by faceless friends and of course, he was laughing and smiling...enjoying the game...I remember my surprise and saying...oh my God...there's Adam as I ran off to find him, to hold him...I looked and searched for what seemed like a long time and he appeared to have disappeared into the crowd...my was heart racing...as a voice called to me...he's always with you...no matter where you are...and then I awoke...I told Teddy by dream and of course he believes in all I tell him...as I do with him....we see our dreams as Hopeful of the Lord letting us know our son is with us...in everything we do...see...feel...

...again I awake...to those feelings of dread that seem to continue to trail me...my once favorite movie has become my worst...because my life now parallels it's story...of each day awakening to the same day before... reliving the same bad day over and over again...the frustration of feeling those same saddening feelings and acknowledging the realization of what really happened...and that nothing will ever be the same...however in the movie...as with most romantic comedies...there's a happy ending...that's where the similarities change...because there is no happy ending...in my mind I continue to doubt myself...that I was good enough...that I missed something...that if I knew...that he didn't talk with me...I grew to learn over the course of the past 5 plus months, that my son had helped others immensely...three very different people came to me at three different times to tell me that Adam helped them with taming their demons...his efforts would amaze someone reading this...and writing it all would be too painful...but he did...and they're grateful...and had many of us in shock when it was he who left us...and here I am...still struggling with the aftermath of things I knew nothing about...
my romantic comedy turned into a tragedy...the one thing I can still relate to in that movie though...is the song that plays each morning as his clock radio goes off...and I look at Teddy and think...."I got you babe"...for if not for him, I don't know where I'd be.....

....went to visit you this evening...umbrellas in our hands, trying to ward off the rain falling upon us...walking through the wet grass...raindrops falling steadily over your tombstone...trinkling down over your embossed portrait like tears rolling down your face...Dad and I had the roughest time seeing that...seeing tears...missing you...and deep sadness that still follows us...

You don't get character because you're successful; you build character because of the hardships you face....

I met another mom on Monday night...a mom who like me, lost a child...a young adult who wasn't supposed to leave her family so young, but she did...and this loving mom met with me to talk...as she is a friend of a friend...funny the way it is...the way one friend networks a lifeline out to another...it's all good...her loss was over three years ago and as I spoke with her...I could easily see sadness in her eyes...she saw my pain...still raw and fresh...it's not even 6 months yet...and she remarked about that...it was easy for her to see where I was in my journey...part of me wondered if "being there" for me that night was extra hard for her...was I a reason for those sad eyes? Or is her sadness a residual of what life has now become? I thought about her ever since our meeting...I knew from talking with her that her life revolved around family...she glowed while taking about the child she loved...then lost. I wonder what I'll be like...in three years...or in thirty? We'll both never forget the love we held onto so tightly for our children passed...we both questioned why? why? why? SO many times...and one day someone remarked back to her, "why not you"? I guess I never thought about that one. None of us "deserve this"....but it does happen...in the blink of an eye life can take a spin or spiral...there's no discrimination in who gets cancer...who gets in a deadly car crash...or dies from sad mistakes...like my own son...it's we who are left here to grieve and try and move ahead...

The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have ♥.....that saying says "me" all over it.....I still want to be happy....it's what Adam would want most...I live with constant thoughts each day of what Adam would be telling me right now if he could...that he's awfully sorry for the mistake he made...how much he wishes he could still be here with us...how much he valued us...as his family...that he longs to see me smile more and be "that person" he admired once again...I do believe his Spirit follows each of us each day...as I drive along I see his face in all the beautiful things that cross my path...the sunny day today led me through winding roads and beautiful landscapes...I passed a waterfall and then a field of wild heather...in my mind I envision what he'd be telling me next...the laughter that would follow...his life was overflowing with delight...our lives were happy...we did make the best of what God gave us...we felt like we had everything....and when we lost our son, it felt like we had nothing anymore...I'm glad I have Faith...that those little signs are apparent...that people love us...that we feel support...I try not to question "why me"...because I see it could hit anyone...in a heartbeat...I mentioned that to a friend tonight...as we sipped coffee and ate our desserts...I said as I am eating this carrot cake...another mother is learning that her child has died...it's grim and brutal reality....the gift I have now is that gift of knowing exactly what someone like that is feeling...I have a gift of helping someone going through a rough time....just like me. There are others with the gift...but they chose not to use it...it's a gift that we did not ask for...it's one we resent...but I guess when faced with choosing to use it or put it away, I'd rather use it...to help others along my path of life...and it'll be the gift of Adam's light and life that will help me help others along the way...

...it's been late night visits to my son...as we carefully walk the path on St. Kevin Drive which is lit my the moon, the stars and our little flashlight. Ted shines the beam of light onto your stone so I can see your portrait better and say my rituals...my I love you's...my Blessings and prayers and say what I always say...how much I miss you and that I'll be back to see you again tomorrow...and we keep our promises...we always come back. We saw you everyday when we had you in our home so we feel better knowing the Peace that fills our hearts when we visit you everyday. I know some people might think our rituals are odd...and it's okay...actually anything we choose to do that gives us some well-deserved peace is okay...the main thing now is how I am feeling inside...funny how Hazel knows her way in the dark...and as we continue to be the most regular guests at the little Irish cemetery...she's marched through snow and rain and fog and sunshine...and often times darkness...with a backdrop of crickets and katydids like tonight...

Dear Adam...
This blog has been helpful in many ways...my heart's open to help in anyway I can thru what I learned so far....and those who read me often reach out to help me through this difficult time...an old friend told me my experience awakened her like no other situation could...and how she wished she could go back and rewind the series of events that affected our lives...we look to God for explanations and still question why? And with time...we see there will never be the "answers" for which we seek...we simply wish you were still here with us... I met with HR on Tues., they're getting ideas together for open positions...I wait patiently and as I do, I'm seeing patients who are stable...so I am okay in that. I like working, always have. If I had to sit and stare at walls all day, it would be maddening. I'd like to work part-time for awhile...I think that would be nice. I would have extra "me" time to think...reflect, write...walk...pray....and if I was having a bad day one day, perhaps I'd be off the next. I'm not worried...things will be how they will be...I just want to be surrounded by kind people right now....because that's what helps me most...and Jordan's been my rock lately...it's unbelievable how he's changed. He's like a butterfly now...out of a cocoon that he had once encased himself inside...he's in love...and he's projecting that love in the most positive way to us...his arms wrap around me regularly these days and it feels so nice to feel that sincerity and love within those arms....and to those who tell me often...how wonderful YOU were...well, those are the words that mean the most...I love you Adam...I adored you from the moment I met you...when I held you and looked into your beautiful face...created by us...your parents who would have lived or died for you...I wish often that God would have chosen me...and I question why too often...we all took dangerous chances...risky moments...unthinkable reactions...but you received the most harsh penalty...or perhaps I am wrong...I may be the one feeling most penalised because you're no longer here with us...but maybe God and His Angels are feeling luckier because they have you now...

Talib Kweli - Get By

....one of Adam's friends dropped by last night...he'd been away on a personal journey for an entire year...he saw magnificent things and proved things to himself that probably seemed unimaginable at one time...but he did it...he met his goal and what a proud feat he performed...while on his journey he discovered the news of Adam's passing and all he could think about was Adam's smile...that's all many of us think about primarily when we say his name...it rings synonymously with smiles and laughter...he, too thinks Adam's spirit needs to live on...Adam had a gift...an amazing gift...this unique ability to surpass all barriers...be befriended everyone...he expressed kindness and love, sympathy and understanding...he represented a "real guy"...the heartfelt and sincere type...he wasn't afraid to tell anyone anything...sometimes it wasn't always sugary....but he didn't lie...he also made himself "there" for his pals...middle of the night...whenever...he could be counted on. He had this unique ability to put himself into the position they had been put into...he understood....he truly understood...and I was truly proud of the man he was becoming...he had such a good soul...an old fashioned spirit that you rarely see anymore. He told his buddies he loved them...there he'd stand...big and bold, a powerful stance...like a big blonde teddy bear...ready with a hug or that warmth and expression of sincerity...yes, his legend need to continue....and his friend seemed to inspire me...his quest...his journey...his Faith and his connection to my son...is there more I need to do still? I think there is...

I have a friend who told me that her dad passed when she was 17...somehow...even though she lost such a significant role model in her life..she turned into a spectacular woman...she obviously had overwhelming love and support from her siblings and mother...and as she grew into womanhood...she married and became a mom...and our lives seemed mimic each other...as we both married young and had two children...we each thought that becoming a wife and mother meant the world to us...I was amazed when she told me her mom made almost daily trips to the cemetery with her two children...these kids would hear stories about a man they never actually met...but through the daily visits came tales that she'd tell them about their grandfather...and amazingly, as they grew older...they truly believed they met him and spent time with him in earlier days...because his legend was go well ingrained in their little heads....early on...I pondered that...and thought about how I continue and plan to continue to keep Adam's legacy alive....I want to keep telling his tale...his stories...I don't want people to forget I had this amazing son named Adam...I hope through me...he'll somehow live on...

I shared the beauty of tonight with a dear friend...she was amazed at the path I'd chosen for us to walk...to partake in the loveliness of all that surrounded us on that little journey...I see beauty in so much...and it's nice to be with someone so warm and comforting as she...she's a rare jewel...someone who'll simply listen...although her life hasn't had the same things thrown at her as I...she somehow seems to grasp the way I am feeling...no judgement...no time limits on how I should be...just kindness...being with people like her is like medicine to me right now...for you see there's still no pill or magic trick that will ease this heartache...she mentioned time...I told her that time is making me stronger but the sadness is unchanged and again...it made sense to her...she could comprehend what I was trying desperately to convey to others. She said I just need to be treated nicely...with kindness now...and I agree...that's what works with me...she made me smile as she sang a few bars of "in the end....kindness is all that matters"...and she's right...completely. She told me that I was always so kind to everyone else...that my gift was the kindness I gave to all of those around me, especially my children and their friends...she told me I need to keep writing...because it helps her and others like her...to know me better...to learn more about Adam and his life...she told me Adam has a candle with a flame...and the more we remember him and talk about him and his memory...well, it keeps that flame aglow...Ginny, I don't want that flame to ever dim....so thanks for your inspiration...I love you for making me reflect even more positively on the life I have yet to live...and the people's lives I still need to touch...

Dear Adam,
I'm gathering strength from within...Boo was just here...had a beer with your Dad...nothing seems the same without your presence...I listened to them talk about baseball and just kept thinking that I needed to hear you interject, but your words are silent...I can still imagine your voice and what you'd be saying back...about the Yankees...Jeter...A-Rod and steroids...Boo and Dunbar are sharing a bag full of your sneakers. Boo smiled as he looked at the unique shoes you had...I know you'd be happy that I gave them to your friends...I still take time and thoughts...long and carefully orchestrated thoughts of who would best appreciate the items you cherished. I'm giving Earl your mandolin...I know as he restrings it and learns to play it, he'll treasure the beauty of having something special that was yours...what else can we do? We cannot lock up your room and treat it as a museum and you were simply too special not to share your memories with those who loved you so...
Everyone loved you...

I spent part of Saturday afternoon with an old friend of Adam's...being with him made my heart fill with happy memories of my son...I can sometimes see reflections of him shining through their eyes...because Adam by true definition was defined by the many friendships he had...and when they choose to take time...precious time...to be with me and talk about better moments...my heart melts...Sunday...another visit...a different friend...Jordan and I talk about something a few people mentioned to us...they had been afraid to reach out to me...because they didn't know what to say...and it broke their hearts but avoidance may have been easier...than facing the reality of something like this really happening to normal people...and that it sometimes makes them fear...if they delved too deep...it makes it real enough to happen to any other family, like theirs and they need to avoid it...fears...perhaps those younger friends who still come by...their fears aren't fully formed? Or perhaps God is orchestrating them to be here...for us...for me, since it's what's helping me most...

...we had a little picnic yesterday, I look forward to week-ends because we do things like that...and it's comforting...we sat at an old wooden picnic table and ate our packed lunch...with the sounds of children playing in the background against the noises of birds and wildlife in the backdrop...the environmental center is a place we used to go to often...we used to take our own boys there...Ted and I love nature and enjoy looking at those animals who had been rescued and saved...living there in the wildlife shelter...after our meal we took Hazel on the paths that circle the wildlife center...as Hazel splashed through a muddy marsh we saw an eagle soar above us in the distance...into tall trees...we stood watching for many minutes...hoping he'd come back out from hiding and show us his magnificent splendor...but he never came back out...inside my head I was quietly asking God to bring that bird out...as a sign that Adam was with us at that moment...we walked away and minutes later a wildlife worker was nearby us with a spectacular red bird resting on her finger...a scarlet tanager...his colors so vibrant...he was an amazingly beautiful bird...she was explaining to us and some small kids around us, that he'd been rescued weeks ago...and nurtured but has lost the ability to fly...within seconds of us standing there and watching him he suddenly took flight, miraculously...we observed him fly up into the trees nearby...the wildlife worker with amazement in her eyes said "oh my goodness! You've witnessed a release" how rare this is...and so wonderful that he could fly...Ted and I knew this was Adam's sign to us...and I knew God was listening...

Broken Social Scene - Pacific Theme

This one's for Adam and Earl...enjoy

....every morning I sit with my cup of Joe and think...I always have, even before this happened to us, I'd make coffee and sit at the computer and try and collect myself and my thoughts for the day...I'd often hear the stir of Adam downstairs...he'd frequently come up for a hug and tease me that all I do is drink coffee...we'd laugh...I'd get ready for work...he'd get ready for bed. We ran on two very different time schedules...he was a night owl...he enjoyed working late and then staying up, he found amusement in late night t.v and infomercials...and he'd "buy into" anything those commercials would say, that makes me smile...because he'd be so argumentative in other areas...part of his charm was the bits of boyhood nature that he never seemed to shake...he was so comforting...and easy. I think that was another facet that made him approachable, warm and welcoming...he never stopped remembering how he, himself was going through the awkward times in life...he made people feeling awkward feel good...he made older people feel that the stories they told him were magnificent...he was charming and sweet and I could easily forgive him minutes after I wanted to shake him...that boyish charm....he never had the chance to fall in love...marry or have those little Adam's he warned me about...and I can't help but be certain that he would have been an amazing father...an attentive husband...life was too short...my heart breaks when I sit and think...about the things he didn't get to know or experience...Adam silently doubted himself...I know this...I know he had little insecurities...I think Adam projected positivity towards everyone else...and inside he felt less secure...he used to tell me he wished he knew what he could do...or be...I'd cheer him on, I'd rally behind any idea he had...I knew his greatness...his effervescence...I'm still here...he's not. I'm empty...so's my coffee cup...but I'm trying...to refill my heart with joy...it's just so darn hard.

A night like tonight...summer heat...starry sky...lightening bugs and noisy street...cars going by...the activity of a typical July evening...I told Teddy I just think I need to see Adam out on the deck...smoking a ciggie and people driving by beeping their horns at him...he'd always nod and wave...big smiles...if I try...I can almost envision that picture in my mind...because I saw it so many times before. I still can't believe he's gone...time is passing by and I am missing him more...we know the reality of where he is...but I'm trying to hold onto thoughts like that to help me get through these rough times...