"Something awesome happens when you do things out of love, especially toward those who have wronged or upset you"...as much as my life as I once knew it...has been altered...I still want to be the person I once was...or at least as close as I can be...although through something as tragic as this past year has been....there are some things that pain me so much...it's hard to recollect those same feelings of love for certain people and relationships...and as usual, I look to Ted for inspiration....
I always wanted to be a special mother...my growing up years were different...by the time I was born, my folks didn't bother too much with the relatives, so many of them didn't even get to know me...and I think often times, as I grew up, they, the relatives just presumed I was like the rest of my family....withdrawn...maybe unusual?.... although in actuality, I was quite different...Always deep and soulful...I yearned to take care of others and nurture a family...I always wished for a closer family base with my cousins/aunts/uncles...and it was actually quite interesting reconnecting with some...in the nicest ways. My one cousin was astounded to see and learn about ME....and what made me tick...and what I was made up of...she LOVED how I adored my family...how I treated my patients....cared for my parents...and attended to my friendships...nothing would ever be too much...if it was done for love, then it was a necessary thing to do...simple as that...and THAT effort was most exerted towards my kids and their friends...I wanted to make their growing up years the BEST that they could be...I was the band girl whose parents didn't attend her games...my Mom would always say "you understand, we don't like football"...and I'd accept that...and when I was in Pom Pom squad I was the only girl whose parents wouldn't be there... again I'd hear "you understand, we don't like basketball"...and I'd nod and accept it...and that's how it always was....even when my boys were little, the T-ball games, the football games...no one ever knew who my parents were...I always felt alone...so Ted and me, we became the ultimate fans for our kids as they grew up...along with his mom and sister...the four of us wouldn't miss a beat...I worked yet still managed to make every practice, game, scrimmage...dance and prom...whatever it took, I'd be there, along with my Teddy...I have no regrets there...because I took lots of mental notes all through my lonely years of not having a parent in attendance...and now I yearn for more parental support through my LOSS...and I heard once again..."you understand....." and I did understand until recently, like a stinging slap across my face, a brutal dose of reality hit me...why did I allow my self to become absorbed into thinking that my life revolved around my ongoing wishfulness for something that never was...and probably could never be...I see now that all my "tries" in the world aren't enough if that other set of people aren't trying back...and for the times I'd wallow in self-pity (silently...), I lost concept that all along I had ample substitutes for those not here...Two weeks ago was another hard day...a day of remembering losing my son and marking one year passed...and as I sat crying all day into the night...and had people filtering through my home who cared...my self-pity mode kicked in as I suffered with the thoughts and reality that not one biological person even bothered to check in on me...again...well...God Graced me with wisdom and I realized he surrounded me with others who are angels here on earth...and that I am not a victim...I don't want pity...I strive for strength...victims make excuses...wallow in pity and accept failures...me? I'm a survivor. Yes, I see now that there is something more ahead...I'm still not sure what my new life entails, but I am different...