grief...the faceless monster most people won't recognize until it comes personally knocking on their door...the grim and dismal affect it casts upon you that follows you like a shadow...never being able to run and hide from it...grief...like I have learned is long and arduous...I can easily see now where it can alter lives significantly...indefinitely...unendingly...where little old ladies...and little old men die shortly after they experience loss....their grief consumes them and they actually die of broken hearts...I live "this life" day in and day out...I drift between wanting to float along...versus the desire to change lives...I so desperately want to change lives...I have Faith and passion like no other....but there seems to be so many obstacles...some days I buy into others weaknesses...or shrink as I visualize the pain they feel even trying to "talk about it"...Adam has become the ghost in the room...I'd like to say "not with me"...but it's true...I'm learning how I can "talk" about him without others looking at me with strange eyes and odd expressions...I think MANY people think when someone dies...you aren't supposed to talk about them anymore...it's like when you bury them...you bury everything else...and for many...they simply don't know or perhaps even care to know what someone like ME is feeling inside my head. I have to sit day in and day out listening to other's tales...woes...issues...and smile like it means something...all the while I fight the sadness inside my mind...courageuos? I guess you could say I am...and I listen...learn...as I fight my way "back" each day...and you know what else? I want to change lives...I want to make someone else's life change...in a positive way...I don't want to sit and repeat the same unfulfilling things day in and day out...and these past few months of self-reflection is like seeing myself in a mirror for the first time...someone told me to be gentle on myself...as I heal....she's right, now she needs to tell others to be that way...