Trick-or-treat night...yet another of those "firsts" I've been experiencing...can this grow any more difficult? How could a year have passed since last Halloween? I remember a kid knocking at the door and I almost hit the floor with shock for when I saw his costume, I was aghast...he was dressed as a KKK member...I couldn't even speak. Adam and talked about that later...he said what a weird world this was turning into...that someone would let their kid dress up like that. My kids had their share of fun...it was pretty much the same routine yearly, but we all liked it that way. Ted and I felt it was extremely important to "give back"...even way back when....so if our kids were getting treats from others, you could bet we'd have our home open too...so off Ted would go with the kids in tow and I would "let those others in" until Ted would be back with bags of goodies and two very happy (and hyper) little boys...Ted would wear a black sweat suit EVERY year and a scary wolf man mask...and every year he could still manage to go down his mom's house and scare the heck out of her...and the kids would laugh their little heads off...funny how things can change like this...as Adam got older, he never lost his fascination with Halloween...he'd play the "Monster Mash" for his friends, and sing "Disco Vampire" ...he'd dress up ghetto and call himself "Mike Rambo"....he did this all throughout his high school career and everyone looked forward to this annual event he did. I know how I struggle and I still wonder what others...like Rambo are thinking...how they are missing my son and the silliness he easily projected....I wonder all of the time how empty so many others must feel and I too, feel sad for their sadness....tonight will be the first night in my adult life...that my lights will be out at our house...I'm simply just too sad yet to let my heart ache anymore that it already does...I'm hoping God allows me strength to get through these next torturous months...and that perhaps he has new plans for me....I hope those kids running up my steps to find I'm not there...understand my decision this year....