the more I love...the more "I" am loved....Such a long period of time, some days I tell Teddy "isn't it incredible how much time we've been robbed of"???  The long years and the struggles...the phases our hearts and minds were made to endure...but then we reflect in a more positive way in how "loved" we've been...in this journey...never far from our thoughts has been the kindness of others.  In my prayers, I've often asked the Lord to surround me with friendships...and He has...and I feel Blessed...and I've learned to welcome love again...right from the start as it was that love that kept me afloat....

how to heal a broken heart....Ted tells me I need to post things we did that might help someone else...the one thing we do---is always stay busy, sometimes it's difficult to keep going and going but that key element seems to be the one thing that has helped us the most...we walk and hike a lot...we tire of the rough winters we've had the past couple of years but all in all, PA. is a beautiful place and experiencing the change of the seasons has had it's magical powers on us...this time of year seems to be our favorite, the rustic colors of Fall...the crisp air..the lessening of crowds of people where we love to walk....and with us we bring Hazel...she has been medicine to our hearts also...her love is unwavering...she journeys alongside us...these walks are good for the body as well as the soul...having turned 50 recently, and being a nurse, I see how much better along I am than many others my age....I like to think it's all the care Ted and I put into each other...he takes care of me, and I take care of him....together we encourage each other....another thing we feel strongly about is our Faith...without that, what really is there?  Jordan holds onto the same Faith we do....one day we will all be together again as an intact family...we hold close to that...we treasure our friends...like precious jewels, we truly appreciate the kindness of others....that has helped us tremendously...I have a friend Janie...she is good---actually she excels in all she does....her encouragement and nudging me along the past 5 1/2 yrs. has helped me gain years back...through her love and belief in me, I started to set goals...I became SO much stronger physically and met others who had different interests...I've learned to color outside the lines for the first time in my life...there is nothing I am unwilling to try or do...and the words "I can't" seem to have escaped from my vocabulary....Ted and I, we fall in love all over each day...he is to me, what I am to him, that is each others world---best friend, love, mentor, every piece of anything missing...I find inside of him...I am a full person when I am near him....and I am pretty sure he feels that same way...We have become quieter, not because we have less to say, but perhaps because we hear more...I found I love my home more, it's in my little kitchen where I cook meals we enjoy....taking after my Grammy, I have learned to "can"....but more than canning, we collect our own fruit on our journeys and share little dreams together.  I can't imagine I'd be here....never....I wouldn't want anyone else to endure this and I am fairly certain many wouldn't want to try and imagine...but still, it is our journey...and I am doing my best....and I will always help someone else struggling....maybe one day someone will look at me and say "because of you, I didn't give up".....

....sometimes I need to stop, reflect and realize ALL I have become through my loss...losing Adam....I lost SO much...but with this strength inside me...I am the best version of me...I can be.....
since I lost my son---my heart aches daily, nightly, sleep is never an easy task....overwhelming feelings of loss and grief can sneak upon me out of nowhere now....I have more resistance to who/what a friend should be....I know I can't "just talk" easily with anyone and that everything means SO much more...What changed about me in a better form?  It's true...I can relate to just about anything....I don't back away from uneasy questions and although my doubts have increased, my Faith and belief in those who are good have doubled....I am strong....I see this because MANY people who endure losses of all kinds find comfort in being victimized and pitied...I don't....rather it be, that I be the one encircling them with kind words and hopes for a stronger tomorrow....I have become patient...more so than I ever was----often wishing this one "came to me" earlier when I was younger and I had a better handle on the stresses of life....but I have that ZEN mode now....me...now...has learned how to tune things out....those irritating and meaningless chatters....but my ears and eyes are open and full of things I truly never fully realized beauty in...me now....well, my love for others has grown even fuller...deeper....empathy....fuller too....recognition is not important anymore, years ago I felt it "important" to be known, efforts to be commended....feats to be recognized, how refreshing it has become to be silent yet present in those things...my efforts are recognized my those who need them most...and my reward is the good feelings I get upon performing them....years ago, I would walk into a room and wonder if anyone there will "like" me, the me now wonders who in that room I will truly "like"...and I am not saying that in a negative way at all...simply that if I am meant to be connected to someone, it will find me....effortlessly....the me now....simply is....God's plan.............................................................

developing self....developing new self....developing self acceptance without changing one's self
embracing the self that you always were...two weeks away age 50 waits to embrace me...and I at my age 50 self am ready to greet it, for you see---in this half century that I have live...I have developed so much self that I am in self-awe...

it's only after we've lost everything---that we're free to do anything....

5 1/2 years of living without you...I miss you buddy....I love you always and forever

I woke up one day---and realized I didn't want to feel like this...today or any other days...just wanted to stop hurting myself even further by living within the same things that "pain me"...living among jagged rocks...walking on glass....in essence....not situating myself among the things that cause more pain versus pleasure in my world....so I did....I used to walk into a room years ago---hopeful that others would like me...now when I do that same thing, I often wonder first, if I will like them....I didn't abandon any of that wishful, hopeful spirit....it's still there....even more so, but I would say it's redirected.  I feel best when I am within nature, walking on trails...exploring....sometimes the finest sounds are those of birds chattering, a squirrel scurrying by, the crackle of fallen leaves...the sounds of the wind whispering through the tree limbs....that's where I find my peace....my conversations with God seem best in those circumstances...I have a good relationship with Him, too.  I think I always have, He knows I still question things...I have learned so much, part of my healing was my acceptance....forgiveness of the hurtful hate I was sometimes feeling....it's gone, and when I learned to let this go, it's release was like having a heavy stone lifted off my chest....breathing is done more easily....I understand things in a way what others do not....I guess because of our loss...and how we healed, our empathy grew and grew....pain....it's still there....it's different now...it's changed, I can share Adam's memories in another way...I choose to show with my heart and with my actions....I live a part of my life for him, not a day goes by that I won't think "I am doing this for you buddy"....staying kind, being busy, doing little things to help others....it's helped me tremendously.
I am grateful....

worrying away the days....no, not me, I don't "live there" anymore
fretting over saying something that was heartfelt....sincere....or in need of being spoken aloud.....No, I don't "live there" anymore....
sleepless nights, tossing...turning....wondering all the immeasurable "why's"....nope, because I "don't live there" anymore....
My mind "doesn't live" in a bad place...I'm not angry....suspicious....I'm not mad....I hate all of those feelings....I can only control my own head and heart...I have no bearing of what anyone thinks....says or does....and even the best of the best can be pretending or lack sincerity inside their hearts and minds....I now live in a calmer place....I where control my on thoughts...and I am in control of me....
finding calm and peace has been healing....slowing down my pace...feeling myself breathe...embracing moments that perhaps others are unaware of because of life's rapid pace....
I feel the breeze gently touch my cheek, I feel the warmth of the sun as it radiates my skin...the sounds of nature gently sings to me as I enjoy the outdoors....my senses heightened because the heaviness that once weighed down on my has lightened...I speak with God daily and I feel His presence...I know I am here for a reason....and this is where "I live" anymore...

pity....

five years ago....for the first time in my entire life....people started pitying me...I am certain as a way to express sympathy or sorrow for the sadness that life had thrown at me...pity serves as an excuse for some I have come to see...some people bask in it....as it allows them "a free pass...an excuse to not participate in some part of life or living"....pity to me....well, it felt like weakness....loss of strength....letting go of the "me" I was...I think that's why I valiantly strive to not accept this...
in that lesson learned...I have also changed the pity I give out...it's actually belittling and can hinder...so instead of pity...I now encourage...even the most dismal of situations has no benefit from added pity...pity becomes the "white flag" of surrender...is that what I want to do?  Or show others???  Simply give up?  NO....I can't succumb to that...and I won't pull that into someone else...pity upon another, although well-meaning...can sap their strength....simply show belief in someone's ability...encourage their reasons to live life...remind them of how much they have to do still.....I know there's a reason I must go on....live fully....love deeply....

Ted looked at me last night and said "you're quiet the past few days"...I've not much to respond back, I have a hard time around the Holiday...with Easter approaching.  My days are spent around ladies mostly, who talk much of their families...in many ways, I have become the oddity, at least in my own mind, because since Adam's gone, not much normal stuff is comparable to their tales...I listen and smile...but I know there's always an empty chair at my table...I know that if Adam might have had a second chance, he at 27 might have a wife here with us...and perhaps a child of his own...swallowing hard, we know that will never be....and I know I am forever altered....again, a smile is a mask we the bereaved parents wear to let others know we are "okay".... I read a great article recently, about a parent's grief...it was compared to a stone in your pocket...it's always there, as a bereaved mom, I can still feel it's heaviness...I know it's always there although no one else does...it's an annoying discomfort at times and sometimes it pokes and hurts you....reminding you all over again of how much you suffer this loss...sometimes you lose thought of the stone and you laugh....smile....live life a bit, then out of nowhere you feel it...the pain from that rock you're carrying that no one else knows about....and in all honestly, they don't know....I was a mom who had an "intact family" for a bit, and at the time, I would never have imagined how an event like this could affect a person or how long the pain would follow....I'm also very proud of where I am...and the challenges I have faced have actually made me into a stronger woman and a better person...I took credit before into living a pretty decent life, before Adam's life ended.....I thought I did the best I could...and I probably did....but there isn't a thing I couldn't relate to or understand now...my empathy has grown and grown...and so has my love...my love of Adam's memory....my love to help Jordan as he too deals with the same heaviness from the rocks in his own pockets...and my deep deep love for Ted...who is my "rock" here on earth....without him, I am incomplete....when he walks aside me, the burden of that stone is somehow lifted, I am thankful for his love....each and every moment of each and every day.....

eggfest 6...such a tribute, all I can say is I love you and I am thankful that your beautiful spirits lives on through us xoxoxo

my best friend thinks there is a book somewhere inside my head that needs to be released....I said I haven't been writing much these days...I do ponder thoughts and inspirations daily in my mind...I try so hard to maintain a positive Spirit....my son's Spirit.  I promised myself and him (silently) that I would always hold his light ahead of me...that I would hold confident in my Faith and stay focused on the good that remains....when I came into this site today I gasped as I realized how long it's been since I've penned my thoughts....but then again, in those many months....what have I done?  I started a jar...a simple mason jar....it's on my kitchen counter filled with little slips of paper on which are jotted down all the little achievements I have been up to...so some, this may be silly or insignificant, but to me, they're monumental...my journey has always been one day at a time....last week I was a volunteer children's reader to the library....sending homemade apple butter to people who needed cheering, promises for more random acts of kindness....each time I do it, it's placed into the jar, each time I add to that jar my heart swells and I want to do more...I have come to learn that no other person will ever understand my heart, the inside of my thoughts or the sadness I live with day to day
but I have Faith that besides God, Ted truly knows and feels the same way as I do....it's his love that keeps me strong, he is the person at the end of a race cheering you in, he's the one sitting in the bleachers of life calling out "you can do this", he, with his silent Grace and deep blue eyes can communicate how proud he is of me by a simple smile...I know this...and with him I can be the best version of myself....