july

sadness lives within my heart...somehow I have learned to live around it.  I hide it...I put it in places where others do not see it...keeping busy with life has helped....I turned a corner years ago deciding I needed to live the closest to normal of a life that I could....people like me, we become "good" at it, good at disguising our pain....good at blending in...yup, that's me.  Last night I went to a graduation party and watched old neighbors talk....laugh....share stories.  Many times years ago it was Adam that was part of that circle...as times continues to march forward, less stories or talk of Adam is heard.  The life he had and shared stopped completely, Ted and I are left with little stories we remember and share with each other daily....I am crying as I type this because I do not know what I would do...who I would be....or what person I might have become had i not had his strength and love and belief in me...I watch him go through his life...and he carries himself with utter Grace and Dignity, he taught me by example how to continue...not everyone understands me...I think after Adam died that I somehow thought everyone would always be nice...play fair and be kind, especially with my situation...but in life, there is no free pass and as sad as it is...I've learned to gravitate to what feels "good" and distance myself from the negativity....by doing this I have learned the value of great friends....I have opened myself to new things, even silly things that I would have never done in another lifetime...I grew strong, but I also grew much more empathy along my path...there isn't a single thing I couldn't talk about...or listen to...or understand.  I feel wisdom (sometimes anyway)....from the healing of my own pain and what I've learned from it....I have learned to listen....actually listen....and through this I have learned much....MUCH about myself and much about those around me.  I still like "the me" I am...and have no desire to ever follow others in changing who I am....Ted and I embrace our good days and encourage each other...we also encourage others.  We keep our bodies strong, we walk, jog, bike...there is nothing that makes your soul feel more alive than being outdoors surrounded by the glorious beauty of nature...and those butterflies and red winged blackbirds still follow us along those trails, perhaps little signs that our son is watching us...I wonder what Adam would think of us...of me?  If he's be proud of where we are?  The journey we traveled...I miss him so much....