how to heal a broken heart....Ted tells me I need to post things we did that might help someone else...the one thing we do---is always stay busy, sometimes it's difficult to keep going and going but that key element seems to be the one thing that has helped us the most...we walk and hike a lot...we tire of the rough winters we've had the past couple of years but all in all, PA. is a beautiful place and experiencing the change of the seasons has had it's magical powers on us...this time of year seems to be our favorite, the rustic colors of Fall...the crisp air..the lessening of crowds of people where we love to walk....and with us we bring Hazel...she has been medicine to our hearts also...her love is unwavering...she journeys alongside us...these walks are good for the body as well as the soul...having turned 50 recently, and being a nurse, I see how much better along I am than many others my age....I like to think it's all the care Ted and I put into each other...he takes care of me, and I take care of him....together we encourage each other....another thing we feel strongly about is our Faith...without that, what really is there?  Jordan holds onto the same Faith we do....one day we will all be together again as an intact family...we hold close to that...we treasure our friends...like precious jewels, we truly appreciate the kindness of others....that has helped us tremendously...I have a friend Janie...she is good---actually she excels in all she does....her encouragement and nudging me along the past 5 1/2 yrs. has helped me gain years back...through her love and belief in me, I started to set goals...I became SO much stronger physically and met others who had different interests...I've learned to color outside the lines for the first time in my life...there is nothing I am unwilling to try or do...and the words "I can't" seem to have escaped from my vocabulary....Ted and I, we fall in love all over each day...he is to me, what I am to him, that is each others world---best friend, love, mentor, every piece of anything missing...I find inside of him...I am a full person when I am near him....and I am pretty sure he feels that same way...We have become quieter, not because we have less to say, but perhaps because we hear more...I found I love my home more, it's in my little kitchen where I cook meals we enjoy....taking after my Grammy, I have learned to "can"....but more than canning, we collect our own fruit on our journeys and share little dreams together.  I can't imagine I'd be here....never....I wouldn't want anyone else to endure this and I am fairly certain many wouldn't want to try and imagine...but still, it is our journey...and I am doing my best....and I will always help someone else struggling....maybe one day someone will look at me and say "because of you, I didn't give up".....

....sometimes I need to stop, reflect and realize ALL I have become through my loss...losing Adam....I lost SO much...but with this strength inside me...I am the best version of me...I can be.....
since I lost my son---my heart aches daily, nightly, sleep is never an easy task....overwhelming feelings of loss and grief can sneak upon me out of nowhere now....I have more resistance to who/what a friend should be....I know I can't "just talk" easily with anyone and that everything means SO much more...What changed about me in a better form?  It's true...I can relate to just about anything....I don't back away from uneasy questions and although my doubts have increased, my Faith and belief in those who are good have doubled....I am strong....I see this because MANY people who endure losses of all kinds find comfort in being victimized and pitied...I don't....rather it be, that I be the one encircling them with kind words and hopes for a stronger tomorrow....I have become patient...more so than I ever was----often wishing this one "came to me" earlier when I was younger and I had a better handle on the stresses of life....but I have that ZEN mode now....me...now...has learned how to tune things out....those irritating and meaningless chatters....but my ears and eyes are open and full of things I truly never fully realized beauty in...me now....well, my love for others has grown even fuller...deeper....empathy....fuller too....recognition is not important anymore, years ago I felt it "important" to be known, efforts to be commended....feats to be recognized, how refreshing it has become to be silent yet present in those things...my efforts are recognized my those who need them most...and my reward is the good feelings I get upon performing them....years ago, I would walk into a room and wonder if anyone there will "like" me, the me now wonders who in that room I will truly "like"...and I am not saying that in a negative way at all...simply that if I am meant to be connected to someone, it will find me....effortlessly....the me now....simply is....God's plan.............................................................