developing self....developing new self....developing self acceptance without changing one's self
embracing the self that you always were...two weeks away age 50 waits to embrace me...and I at my age 50 self am ready to greet it, for you see---in this half century that I have live...I have developed so much self that I am in self-awe...

it's only after we've lost everything---that we're free to do anything....

5 1/2 years of living without you...I miss you buddy....I love you always and forever

I woke up one day---and realized I didn't want to feel like this...today or any other days...just wanted to stop hurting myself even further by living within the same things that "pain me"...living among jagged rocks...walking on glass....in essence....not situating myself among the things that cause more pain versus pleasure in my world....so I did....I used to walk into a room years ago---hopeful that others would like me...now when I do that same thing, I often wonder first, if I will like them....I didn't abandon any of that wishful, hopeful spirit....it's still there....even more so, but I would say it's redirected.  I feel best when I am within nature, walking on trails...exploring....sometimes the finest sounds are those of birds chattering, a squirrel scurrying by, the crackle of fallen leaves...the sounds of the wind whispering through the tree limbs....that's where I find my peace....my conversations with God seem best in those circumstances...I have a good relationship with Him, too.  I think I always have, He knows I still question things...I have learned so much, part of my healing was my acceptance....forgiveness of the hurtful hate I was sometimes feeling....it's gone, and when I learned to let this go, it's release was like having a heavy stone lifted off my chest....breathing is done more easily....I understand things in a way what others do not....I guess because of our loss...and how we healed, our empathy grew and grew....pain....it's still there....it's different now...it's changed, I can share Adam's memories in another way...I choose to show with my heart and with my actions....I live a part of my life for him, not a day goes by that I won't think "I am doing this for you buddy"....staying kind, being busy, doing little things to help others....it's helped me tremendously.
I am grateful....