...seldom in life---are you lucky enough to collect friends as beautiful and valuable as rare jewels...and in my life, I've been lucky to collect quite a few...I am Blessed with loving friendships...at times I would feel sorrow for myself (silently) as I so desperately lacked the luster of family...but through my tears I saw the precious pearls...the glistening rubies...the sparkle of emerald...my true friends glisten like the beauty of a gem...and as precious as these gems are---that is how precious they are to me...

...an old friend writes me now and then...and I haven't seen her....since before Adam passed away, but in her words...I feel her near me...in life...sometimes we all get very busy and we don't mean to---but we forget...I am me...and I am the only me...but I do see there are others like me...who suffer sadness...who probably cry themselves to sleep at night, too...I think in my own very small way---I've allowed people to see, read...view----the life of loss...people are naturally fascinated in the good---the bad---even heartache...although I do think most people are good, and truly cared through all of my journey...my friend basically remarked there aren't many people like us---she didn't put a tag or label to it....but she was referring to us....those without agendas, being my friend won't get you noticed...fame or fortune will not be gained by knowing me....my friendship isn't influential...I don't rub elbows with important people...I'm certainly not the most intelligent person you're ever going to talk with---and definitely not the most beautiful....me...I am non-threatening....safe....loyal....kind. Most importantly, I am Faithful...not only to what I believe in, but to my sons, the one here next to me and the one I visit in my dreams each night...I promised myself I would never give up....he is now my angel and it would shatter him if he viewed me ever changing...I see and hear some people say "I don't even know how you can smile anymore...or how you're still going on"...yes, still said...and more often than you'd think....and then I think on who I was...and what was important...and most importantly, who Adam saw me as...I was "the best mom" in his and Jordan's eyes...and there is still more for me to do here...I know he wouldn't want me to stop life...because he made an irreversible mistake...yup---I live with his bad choice daily---but even though so much went wrong---I am me...little altered my the storm that flew through my life...no agenda....just a kind heart---connecting with others....always

...after Adam died, I questioned myself repeatedly, many of those same unanswerable questions...is he okay? Where is he now? Is he in Heaven? Why him? Why us? Why me??? I talked...stayed connected, I prayed...I began to read everything I could to stay away from becoming depressed...I threw anger at God sometimes...wondering why me, who did absolutely everything I was raised to do as right---and still, my beautiful son was taken away from me and in such a unthinkable manner...I'd look back on my career...the things I had learned, being a nurse...and then being a hospice nurse...I thought back really hard and remembered my first hospice client, he was a minister...retired.... and I was afraid...not that I ever conveyed that to him, but inside myself, I was fearful of not being able to say the "right" things to this man of God...He knew he was dying, and he being a minister...well that didn't make it any easier for him...I knew he didn't want to die...in his life he still had many reasons to live on, although his body---aging with cancer was telling a different story...our hospice nurse-patient relationship wasn't an instant bloom...but I learned how to listen to him, I let him express his anger , I saw how it upset him not to have control of things he once was an ace at...he had a lot to say still---and I was a good listener. Our relationship solidified when he recalled meeting his hero Elizabeth Kubler-Ross...He met her years ago...and it was a moving experience for him...enlightening as he put it...she was the pioneer of grief, put many broken hearts back together by allowing people to view grief as normal...it was a common thread for he and I...and her writings gave him some peace...today I fell upon a mother's story, a story of loss and her writing to Elizabeth----her words profound...telling the grieving mother that out of her pain---if she chooses--comes a great amount of compassion, increased understanding and wisdom and love for others who are also in pain...it is her choice whether out of her tragedy comes a Blessing or a curse, compassion or bitterness...also concluding that "I want you to know that research in death and life after death has revealed beyond a Shadow of a doubt that those who make the transition are more alive, more surrounded with unconditional love and beauty you can ever conceive...they are not really dead...they have just preceded us in the journey all of us are going to take....they are with their guardian angels...They are with family members who preceded them in death and are unable to miss you as you miss them since they are unable to feel any negative feelings....the only thing that stays with them is the knowledge of the love and care that they have learned in their physical life....Believing that Adam is happy and at Peace, that he feels no pain, and knowing that Adam is aware of the love and care we have always had for him...has diminished the need for all of those questions and anger....I still feel the emptiness----I really miss him....But he knows I loved him...my love mattered....

...the reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past as better than it was and the present worse than it is....I remember learning that in psychology class...and for the most part, I'd agree...except with us...and my family---as our lives went along, Ted and I rolled along with changes...we had those hard times at some points, just like everyone else in middle class America does...but our definition of "family" never tarried...we loved being parents...some nights...still...he and I will quietly talk about how wonderful it was to have been a part of their lives...Jordan and Adam were never ashamed of us...we didn't embarrass them and they knew it...from being young parents we developed a quiet reverence to respecting their needs...we cherished the fact they were the kids who wanted other kids in our home...what an awesome compliment that was to us---and we knew it...that is probably the key reason so many younger people still feel compelled to check in on us...because of the love that was growing in this house...as far as future...I think it's too early to predict...parts of me had been hopeful that God would somehow makes things easier...but I see He's making me work hard on my own (with angelic support of course)...and I guess that's because the only way to find that "happiness" again is through self realization and hard work...
I remember the eve of the night my son went to Heaven...I was working late holding the hands and hearts of loving people who knew their loved one was going to pass...little did I know at that point what lay ahead of me in the wee hours of that morning to come...reflecting on present time? Yes---done daily and always with the most hopeful thoughts...sometimes I'll sit for an hour reading uplifting quotes...or silently praying that things will become easier...I wish I could be everyone who's sad personal savior...to prevent them from this pain, but I see I cannot, I am only one...but in my heart I try...and the small efforts of one...hopefully touch a heart now and then....<3