it's only after we've lost everything---that we're free to do anything....

5 1/2 years of living without you...I miss you buddy....I love you always and forever

I woke up one day---and realized I didn't want to feel like this...today or any other days...just wanted to stop hurting myself even further by living within the same things that "pain me"...living among jagged rocks...walking on glass....in essence....not situating myself among the things that cause more pain versus pleasure in my world....so I did....I used to walk into a room years ago---hopeful that others would like me...now when I do that same thing, I often wonder first, if I will like them....I didn't abandon any of that wishful, hopeful spirit....it's still there....even more so, but I would say it's redirected.  I feel best when I am within nature, walking on trails...exploring....sometimes the finest sounds are those of birds chattering, a squirrel scurrying by, the crackle of fallen leaves...the sounds of the wind whispering through the tree limbs....that's where I find my peace....my conversations with God seem best in those circumstances...I have a good relationship with Him, too.  I think I always have, He knows I still question things...I have learned so much, part of my healing was my acceptance....forgiveness of the hurtful hate I was sometimes feeling....it's gone, and when I learned to let this go, it's release was like having a heavy stone lifted off my chest....breathing is done more easily....I understand things in a way what others do not....I guess because of our loss...and how we healed, our empathy grew and grew....pain....it's still there....it's different now...it's changed, I can share Adam's memories in another way...I choose to show with my heart and with my actions....I live a part of my life for him, not a day goes by that I won't think "I am doing this for you buddy"....staying kind, being busy, doing little things to help others....it's helped me tremendously.
I am grateful....

worrying away the days....no, not me, I don't "live there" anymore
fretting over saying something that was heartfelt....sincere....or in need of being spoken aloud.....No, I don't "live there" anymore....
sleepless nights, tossing...turning....wondering all the immeasurable "why's"....nope, because I "don't live there" anymore....
My mind "doesn't live" in a bad place...I'm not angry....suspicious....I'm not mad....I hate all of those feelings....I can only control my own head and heart...I have no bearing of what anyone thinks....says or does....and even the best of the best can be pretending or lack sincerity inside their hearts and minds....I now live in a calmer place....I where control my on thoughts...and I am in control of me....
finding calm and peace has been healing....slowing down my pace...feeling myself breathe...embracing moments that perhaps others are unaware of because of life's rapid pace....
I feel the breeze gently touch my cheek, I feel the warmth of the sun as it radiates my skin...the sounds of nature gently sings to me as I enjoy the outdoors....my senses heightened because the heaviness that once weighed down on my has lightened...I speak with God daily and I feel His presence...I know I am here for a reason....and this is where "I live" anymore...

pity....

five years ago....for the first time in my entire life....people started pitying me...I am certain as a way to express sympathy or sorrow for the sadness that life had thrown at me...pity serves as an excuse for some I have come to see...some people bask in it....as it allows them "a free pass...an excuse to not participate in some part of life or living"....pity to me....well, it felt like weakness....loss of strength....letting go of the "me" I was...I think that's why I valiantly strive to not accept this...
in that lesson learned...I have also changed the pity I give out...it's actually belittling and can hinder...so instead of pity...I now encourage...even the most dismal of situations has no benefit from added pity...pity becomes the "white flag" of surrender...is that what I want to do?  Or show others???  Simply give up?  NO....I can't succumb to that...and I won't pull that into someone else...pity upon another, although well-meaning...can sap their strength....simply show belief in someone's ability...encourage their reasons to live life...remind them of how much they have to do still.....I know there's a reason I must go on....live fully....love deeply....

Ted looked at me last night and said "you're quiet the past few days"...I've not much to respond back, I have a hard time around the Holiday...with Easter approaching.  My days are spent around ladies mostly, who talk much of their families...in many ways, I have become the oddity, at least in my own mind, because since Adam's gone, not much normal stuff is comparable to their tales...I listen and smile...but I know there's always an empty chair at my table...I know that if Adam might have had a second chance, he at 27 might have a wife here with us...and perhaps a child of his own...swallowing hard, we know that will never be....and I know I am forever altered....again, a smile is a mask we the bereaved parents wear to let others know we are "okay".... I read a great article recently, about a parent's grief...it was compared to a stone in your pocket...it's always there, as a bereaved mom, I can still feel it's heaviness...I know it's always there although no one else does...it's an annoying discomfort at times and sometimes it pokes and hurts you....reminding you all over again of how much you suffer this loss...sometimes you lose thought of the stone and you laugh....smile....live life a bit, then out of nowhere you feel it...the pain from that rock you're carrying that no one else knows about....and in all honestly, they don't know....I was a mom who had an "intact family" for a bit, and at the time, I would never have imagined how an event like this could affect a person or how long the pain would follow....I'm also very proud of where I am...and the challenges I have faced have actually made me into a stronger woman and a better person...I took credit before into living a pretty decent life, before Adam's life ended.....I thought I did the best I could...and I probably did....but there isn't a thing I couldn't relate to or understand now...my empathy has grown and grown...and so has my love...my love of Adam's memory....my love to help Jordan as he too deals with the same heaviness from the rocks in his own pockets...and my deep deep love for Ted...who is my "rock" here on earth....without him, I am incomplete....when he walks aside me, the burden of that stone is somehow lifted, I am thankful for his love....each and every moment of each and every day.....

eggfest 6...such a tribute, all I can say is I love you and I am thankful that your beautiful spirits lives on through us xoxoxo

my best friend thinks there is a book somewhere inside my head that needs to be released....I said I haven't been writing much these days...I do ponder thoughts and inspirations daily in my mind...I try so hard to maintain a positive Spirit....my son's Spirit.  I promised myself and him (silently) that I would always hold his light ahead of me...that I would hold confident in my Faith and stay focused on the good that remains....when I came into this site today I gasped as I realized how long it's been since I've penned my thoughts....but then again, in those many months....what have I done?  I started a jar...a simple mason jar....it's on my kitchen counter filled with little slips of paper on which are jotted down all the little achievements I have been up to...so some, this may be silly or insignificant, but to me, they're monumental...my journey has always been one day at a time....last week I was a volunteer children's reader to the library....sending homemade apple butter to people who needed cheering, promises for more random acts of kindness....each time I do it, it's placed into the jar, each time I add to that jar my heart swells and I want to do more...I have come to learn that no other person will ever understand my heart, the inside of my thoughts or the sadness I live with day to day
but I have Faith that besides God, Ted truly knows and feels the same way as I do....it's his love that keeps me strong, he is the person at the end of a race cheering you in, he's the one sitting in the bleachers of life calling out "you can do this", he, with his silent Grace and deep blue eyes can communicate how proud he is of me by a simple smile...I know this...and with him I can be the best version of myself....

the bravest thing I ever did....was continuing living when I wanted to die....only someone who went through what I did will understand how big that statement is...the immensity and enormity of survival without your child...follows me day in and day out....

I miss you Adam...I go through highs and lows each day, the pain never leaves me...lately it's been harder...you'd think that with time passing, it would ease the heaviness on my heart, but I find with each day more that places space between us makes me miss you even more...if that is possible.  I miss your laughter most....I just miss YOU...I keep waiting for something special to happen...perhaps some other form of JOY sent my way...a Blessing of a special person for your brother....fulfillment in a role I am involved in...maybe it's ahead...in our future....keep watch over us, the family left here....we all miss you so much...

God....please help me...I keep praying that I will feel better inside my heart...but this pain I wake with---the pain that lingers heavily on my heart...it hurts so badly...I miss my son...I miss him---
time passes by us and it has been soooo long since I saw him...held him, heard his voice....looked into his bright blue eyes...life will never be as it was...I miss him...I miss us....please God help me continue to look for Faith

kindness matters...

....there is nothing nicer than the kindness of others....the soft easing words of someone who cares, simple loving gestures, holding someone's hand, a gentle pat on the shoulder....eyes that connect, with care and compassion...there is nothing more soothing for someone's pain...than kind words...if sufficient words can't be found...just listening becomes an immense deed....anytime someone gives selflessly of themselves...I am certain it does not go unnoticed....pay attention to those who are struggling...sometimes your outreach may be the touch that brings them some well deserved comfort...

missing you...

you left this world---but your presence remains with us everyday---we see the signs around us...our hearts are open for anything meant for us to capture and cherish...I am lonely in a different way---the hollow that remains unfilled inside my heart-- will someday fill again when I am inside your loving embrace...I miss you every moment of each new day---and the space that grows in distance from the last time I held you----continues to grow....oh how I miss you my sweet son...I pray so often that something will ease this ache...I pray that God sends more strength for Jordan...nothing's been easy---please continue to watch over us...and help us through the pains of missing you, I will love you, always and forever xoxo

"The reality is that YOU will grieve forever----you will not "get over the loss of a loved one....you will learn to live with it. You will heal....and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but, you will never be the same...Nor would you want to be...Elizabeth Kubler-Ross...her profound words sum up exactly how it is...we are healing...we are not the same...and each thing we accomplish (in the most positive of ways) is astounding to each of us...the three that are left here....to live on without him....an old friend popped in unexpectedly yesterday---overwhelmed in her own grief, a different grief than mine---but her grief consumed her...she asked how I face this monster day in and day out??? The brutal reality of loss...my heart and head often want to drift into that sad and lonely place...just absorb myself inside the streams of tears that trickle down my face...but somehow my Faith kicks in...it's God's love and the signs He sends me that I truly feel...I am surrounded by strong love here...that love helps me heal...I feel purpose...and I feel Adam is with me still...last night we walked on the sandy beach in our bare feet...the lake water warm from a very humid day...the clouds looked heavenly above us...the mist of a hot day steaming beautifully over the water...sunset highlighting God's beauty of the day...Ted always agrees he is with us...walking alongside of us...encouraging us....guiding us....somehow giving us the strength when we ourselves feel weak and vulnerable...and we take nothing for granted...we know how lucky we are to have each other...to have our Faith...our church...our family and friends....life can change in a spin...and we don't want to waste a second of what God is giving us...until He calls us to join Adam..........

As the rest of the world continues to whirl about...in it's normal pattern---and as I still go on with the empty spaces within my heart and soul...I find my Peace...when I am encircled in his arms...there is nowhere else I find the comfort and strength then when I am with my soul mate...I love him more each day...and as we talk--spend many---many moments together...as a couple...we build strength...we've built confidence...and built more love around us...<3

it's so hard to believe so much time has passed us by...Ted and I have somehow learned to live with this dreadful pain...I guess I am writing now...because I want to focus more on how I got to where "I am presently"...pivotal moments or changes that I may have somehow followed that helped me cope...perhaps to help another who has need to read about living on through life's darkest challenges...the big thing I did over this past year is let go....I've let go of hurt---I forgave...and although forgiving doesn't mean that I have forgotten...it means I am allowing that hurt that was once bottled so tightly inside of me---to be released...I no longer carry that with me...and that brick has been lifted. My heart has much more room for love and goodness without that space once occupied by anger... Forgiveness... Another change I made was to know my own limits...perhaps it's my safety net but I know my limits...and I have learned to avoid and distance myself from those uncomfortable times and places....if it feels good---then it probably is...any pause or hesitation---or things that make me feel sad or uneasy---distancing by me occurs...even within the workplace. I thought that people (silly me) would somehow be forever empathetic to me because of my circumstance....through the darkness of the past 4 plus years, I have disappointingly found this to be untrue too...a couple months ago someone told me in confidence that "I am too nice" and "I make them look bad because I am too kind"...funny, how hurtful that was...but it truly was, I guess since Adam passed, I try harder----love stronger, empathize more deeply---just try too hard I guess....because if I fall into that typical stereotype---then avoidance occurs...by others----so I try extra hard to be outgoing and kind---to pay it forward and I got bitten by an unkind mouth...so distancing occurred...by me---and I prayed really hard, because there are still things left for me ahead...and life is a learned lesson...and although painful to hear words that hurt and actions that are hurtful by another...I did take something away with me...and God did answer my prayers and redirected me...Blessings happen all the time, sometimes we are too busy to become aware of them---please God---never let me be too busy to miss a Blessing sent....for so much, I am grateful....

It's that time of the year...when people all around gather to celebrate the Joy of the season...and for those who never endured great losses...there is no way that anyone else could fathom what a family like ours does...and with time, it seems perfectly normal to think those not affected---with loss...assume that families like ours have moved onward...there is a reason God put me with Teddy...I know there is no woman on this earth that loves her husband more than I do...no one...he walks me through each season...we grew together in a different way I suppose. SO much of life's happenings further bonded our love...time has helped us see beauty once again....we both agree this Autumn was the most spectacular we've ever witnessed...perhaps because we spend so much time enjoying it together...our long walks on leaf covered trails...sharing coffee on big rocks along the way...glimpses of birds that fly haphazardly along our way... our favorite trek is a hike to Mount Pisgah...the view from the top is spectacular...our beautiful little town, the scurry of activity below us...while where we stand it is silent...nature's silence...the faint whispers of trees leaning in the breeze...a chirp of a bird, the scatter of a chippie...but not much more than that...I guess when we're up there we feel closer to Heaven..closer to God, closer to Adam...the silence is soothing...and when Ted and I are together, we speak with our hearts, our eyes...no need for deep conversations when all that surrounds us is telling us a story...Thanksgiving Day came...and we took time to count the Blessings in our lives...although it's definitely a more difficult task...but again, we somehow got through it...surrounded by some really great friends who care deeply...

There isn't much to write anymore...same heart-wrenching pain...whoever said it gets easier lied...and we need to put on brave faces and smiles, I miss you...