it's so hard to believe so much time has passed us by...Ted and I have somehow learned to live with this dreadful pain...I guess I am writing now...because I want to focus more on how I got to where "I am presently"...pivotal moments or changes that I may have somehow followed that helped me cope...perhaps to help another who has need to read about living on through life's darkest challenges...the big thing I did over this past year is let go....I've let go of hurt---I forgave...and although forgiving doesn't mean that I have forgotten...it means I am allowing that hurt that was once bottled so tightly inside of me---to be released...I no longer carry that with me...and that brick has been lifted. My heart has much more room for love and goodness without that space once occupied by anger... Forgiveness... Another change I made was to know my own limits...perhaps it's my safety net but I know my limits...and I have learned to avoid and distance myself from those uncomfortable times and places....if it feels good---then it probably is...any pause or hesitation---or things that make me feel sad or uneasy---distancing by me occurs...even within the workplace. I thought that people (silly me) would somehow be forever empathetic to me because of my circumstance....through the darkness of the past 4 plus years, I have disappointingly found this to be untrue too...a couple months ago someone told me in confidence that "I am too nice" and "I make them look bad because I am too kind"...funny, how hurtful that was...but it truly was, I guess since Adam passed, I try harder----love stronger, empathize more deeply---just try too hard I guess....because if I fall into that typical stereotype---then avoidance occurs...by others----so I try extra hard to be outgoing and kind---to pay it forward and I got bitten by an unkind mouth...so distancing occurred...by me---and I prayed really hard, because there are still things left for me ahead...and life is a learned lesson...and although painful to hear words that hurt and actions that are hurtful by another...I did take something away with me...and God did answer my prayers and redirected me...Blessings happen all the time, sometimes we are too busy to become aware of them---please God---never let me be too busy to miss a Blessing sent....for so much, I am grateful....