always and forever....

I love you...always and forever, I use that statement frequently....I miss you...there is no one...in this entire world...that could even begin to imagine the way a set of parents like us feel right now...unless you've felt loss like this...you cannot begin to understand the depth something like your passing has impacted on our lives...nothing is the same...someone at work told me today that being around me makes "them feel uncomfortable"...fighting back tears...I almost apologized saying..."did I say or do anything adverse"....no...it's just every time I look at you I want to cry and it makes me feel the reality that this horrible thing could affect me and my family if it hit you and yours....so I'd prefer not working around you...am I supposed to take comfort in that? Adam...you'd always tell me that others would gravitate to us...me and you...we had this thing, an easy way...not too cool but just cool enough you'd tell me...

I liked being that person and now someone like that lady today...is trying to blow the air right out of my sails...I still have Hope...I want to live what's left of this thing called life...and I know you don't want to see me down...few people truly understand it...and we've felt like we've moved mountains in these past nine months...the three of us. We recreated the table that once represented our relationship as a family...the four of us...four solid legs that supported what weighed down upon us....like the top of a table...the collaboration of us all...working together, held up that weight of the world....for a time...almost effortlessly...when we lost you, that table teetered and toppled...almost fully over...but somehow, the three of us formed a tripod and kept that table sturdy...I guess I just need a few miracles to happen...I need to find Peace...I need to heal further and I need ongoing love and support...I am I and you are you....and I am here and you are in Heaven...but each night lately you visit my dreams...pleasant and comforting dreams...Dad tells me if you held the power to visit me in those dreams...you definitely would...because you miss me too...I cry because I never got that final chance to tell you how much I loved you...or to say good bye....or how amazing you've been....and how much each little part of you meant to me...life was cruel....harsh....unforgiving for some time...but I am thankful, that I had you...my treasure...my son...my love, will run always and forever....