"Joy is choosing to see the beauty and blessings no matter what comes our way in life. It doesn't disappear because of the circumstances. Happiness is circumstantial, but joy builds in your life over time"...

"There comes a time in your life, when you have to walk away from all the drama and from the people who create it. You should surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living." ♥

"All things are difficult before they are easy"...while cleaning tonight I found this little quote, the fortune inside of an cookie I must have saved from God knows when? And as I continued to clean...and think, I thought about what's been easy? Nothing...everything has been an unbelievable challenge...a struggle, a climb up against so much hurt....frustration....facing fears daily. But as I reflect, I see Hope ahead...as I always do, even now in the most dismal of times...last week I met an older lady who seemed taken with me...perhaps hearts like mine connect with others who have similar hearts...or that perhaps sad souls seem to float and meld into the hearts of others who strive for solace...she told me of her mother...and how her brother died an untimely passing...strangely, she didn't realize my loss...I seldom share this anymore...I find it easier not to...unless I'm going to develop a relationship...and so far it's been helping me...but I had to ask her...how did she do it? How did she survive after such a brutal amputation...the loss of a child? And she said with affirmation...she had to...she was quite strong, she knew we needed her still..."me, my dad....she had some grand kids"...and as I drove home that day, I happened to think of my own grandma again...funny thing now is that I think of her more than I ever did...sometimes I'm ashamed of myself for the things I didn't tell her while I had her, or how I neglected to think of her more until now...during my loss...but I drove to the cemetery where she is buried...and I sat and cried....endless tears...and prayed for her to give me strength...and as tasted the salty drops pouring from my eyes...pulling weeds haphazardly away from her stone...I realized that's exactly what she did...she lost 3 kids and a loving husband before she joined them all in Heaven...just as I look back, nothing ever restrained her laughter...the little snort she'd give when she'd tell a silly joke...and when she thought it might have been too off color for me to listen to...it would turn into Pennsylvania Dutch...God I miss her...and oftentimes I do or say things that only a grandchild of hers could say or do...and as I drove home...and saw the reflection of her gravestone in my rear view....I knew she was there for me...and that Peace followed me on my journey home.....

The gift of inspiration is that God fills us with understanding and vision, and enlivens our grieving spirits.

"Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting"....

Dear Adam....
Summer approaches...the warm sun beating down on my face...somehow it gives me strength...I look to the sky and ask God for continual support....if i give up on Faith, I have nothing left. Days are hard...I think about the day that awaits me, when perhaps I'll awake and not think of you immediately with sadness in my heart...I hold steadfast to Hope...that peace will find us all...and that somehow....someday...my heavy heart will lighten. I've learned to look up...and face the sun....to live outside the darkness and the shadows that for a time....had me hidden within....I see that wasn't a good place to hide...so now I face the sun...and wish so desperately...to find sort of happiness...in this life I have left xoxo

Dear Adam...
Sometimes I want to write on your facebook wall and let your friends know how much you loved them...I still read the things they write and knowing them and knowing the depths of you...from being your mom...I knew how deeply the love you held inside your heart ran...and still...as my own heart breaks, I know how much your absence has affected so many others...some days I'll pass someone and catch my breath....wondering if a day should come and go without them batting back tears? I think to myself, "how can this be?"...the unfairness of it all...that I much now be forced to live a life without you? And all the times as we...as children are told "you only have one life so live it wisely and live it well?...in my case, it didn't ring true because you see Adam...dad and I followed that guidance and now we, must live a life that remains without you, our puzzle is missing a key piece...we are like a car without a wheel...a table missing a leg...the three of us try to do the best we can, but it's been so darn hard. And often others have no understanding of the magnitude of loss...we heal...I see that, but it's a long and arduous process...I've felt strong some days and weak on others...the roller coaster still drags me on board for rides no one else could fathom...I wait for God to give me Peace...I wait patiently knowing you would have never meant to leave any of us...and that you loved each one of us in your own special way...