lost....

 ....It's June 10th, 2021, it's been a long time since I've written down my thoughts but after a phone call from a person who shares similar grief stories told me my words had helped her, it encouraged me to write on.  I am a grief survivor, a master in it actually and not by choice.  Either I try or give up....I don't want to give in...so I will continue.  I lost another brother to suicide at the end of August 2019...although I rarely saw him and cannot pretend we were close, the magnitude of his decision to take away his own life not only affected him, but all of those around him...I never met anyone else who lost both their brothers to something as brutal and finalizing as suicide.  My parents reeled in sadness...I watched them age rapidly after that one....then within 6 months of this a terrible pandemic appeared.  My mom was so fearful of Covid, she'd listen to the news & cry quietly about the restrictions and the isolation it put between she and I....my dad made the best...but from my visits to their window, I could see the sadness that his old blue eyes held....the vaccine didn't come quick enough, by November 2020 the facility where they lived was hit hard with the Corona Virus and when it hit my father, all we could do was pray....pray that he would overcome this and that my mom would be ok,  Covid-free....He was diagnosed on Friday the 13th...of November.  He was up and down in a cycle of healing and sickness, by November 23rd he was dying and I was informed, my mom was positive on that day and it was she who died three days later.  I stood in their room with an N-95 mask on and garbed from head to toe in PPE, unrecognizable as I held onto both their hands between their twin beds alternating in saying "I love you and good bye"...so six months later, I ask why?  Why did so many bad things happen in my life?  I miss my son....I miss having two brothers, I miss my parents...and although I know they were aging, the enormity of losing them both at the same time...I have so many questions when God and I meet one day.  I pray I will always be unshakable in my Faith. I pray for strength and I pray I will always be a light to at least someone....

I live on. Out of respect and deep love for you and all of who you were to so many.   I know that I've watched others shut down. Unable to live anymore. Out of respect for you and the life you lost. I live on. I live on. With Hopes my life can live for yours too. That I can absorb some hopes of happiness that you'll feel. That somehow you'll watch me and smile down upon me knowing that your life was lost but it didn't ruin mine. I live in in hopes that the way I live.  Makes you proud.  

One of my favorite things anymore is getting up early and curling up in my cozy chair with a cup of ☕️ coffee.  My quiet reflective time.  My time to truly turn everything else off and open my heart.  Head. Ears.  Mind.  Today the sun shined brightly.  I heard the musical songs of birds chirping on the wire near my window. Peace.  Perhaps I know what peace is...someone once told me when life throws so much at you.  The gift you get back is knowing peace.  We become strong.  Unshakable.  Wise.  

If  you want to survive something as devastating as child loss you seriously need to reinvent yourself. As harsh as it sounds you'll have to in order to live on amongst others. The part of you that lived because of your child is no longer there.  And living in that hollow void evaporates all of your  emotions. Striving to be a different version of yourself  coupled with living each day to the fullest with quiet remembrances of our son is what we have done.  There is never a day or night we don’t sit and reflect on how much we loved him.  Or how hard it’s been living this life without him being able to grow alongside us....

“I noticed the many ways that life was constantly ending and beginning.

I paid more attention to moments of unexpected beauty.

I sought out joy and surprise.

I embraced the little things that would have made Adam laugh, and the opportunities to use everything that he had taught me in our times together. 

The more I looked, the more I found him. And the more I found him, the deeper I looked.

Eventually, I stopped seeing this life as something that separated us… and I started to see it as the very thing that could once again connect us.

I couldn’t follow where Adam had gone, so I would find all the ways that he was still here with me.

I welcomed the glow of sunlight that filled my house.

I looked up at the stars, more than I ever had before.

I planted things in the earth and watched them grow.

I opened myself up to everything, the woe. The sorrow, and the happiness… and I felt my place in all of it. I found the way back to my sweet Adam and in my search for him..

I found my way back to life.”

Life will never be the same.  And I miss you deeply. But the love you had for me helps me to endure. Xoxoxo 

......life is hard....this week we've learned of two celebrity suicides...there are so many others who die that the public are unaware of...because it's primarily the famous ones that make the news....the rise of suicides has risen beyond those people who die from accidents....this is a staggering number.  My brother took his life...."and unaware I am certain" of HOW many lives his impulsive bad moment of a decision would affect those left behind.  Everything changes....how can it not?  The suddenness of it all is crushing...it makes no sense to us left here in his shadows....so we try and sweep up those little bits and pieces of him and make his memory whole....but there are holes in that wholeness....because no one knew "his complete story"....the whys,  Adam didn't die that way of course, but his sudden choice, impulsive decision for I guess what he thought was a rush....closed the chapters on anything that would ever happen again for us...left behind.  I know it's been eight years....but we have MISSED so much....his bad choice has taken him away from us and with that went any changes of the future we might have enjoyed together as a family.  His absence has affected each of us in different ways.  Me, becoming more passive....Ted---the rock.... is quieter and I know he internalizes...Jordan, losing a sense of self at times feels uncertain which way to turn.  We, at times feel stuck. I am happy for the wonderful stages that others are able to envelope....I am just unsure of why my chapters have been sticking together....I want to write more of my story....and I will continue keeping on at this thing called life.  I hate that my child was taken from me and that it left my other son struggling....but the strength I have is very strong...so I will keep living each day with purpose, not only for me, but for my boys....I guess I wanted to write this so maybe my words would be meaningful enough to encourage others to think more, listen more, watch more and offer an ear, a heartfelt hug or some support to those who struggle....I know it's helped me many times....

changes...Ted and I knew we had to do something more...so about three years ago a conversation with new friends turned into a community effort which in essence has been warming our hearts, I guess it's helped us continue to feel purpose at a time when we questioned whether we still had one....or at least I know I felt that way.  I'm 52 now...I watch others with many different blessings that come at this time and age....and I pray often to see what God has ahead.  I wish I wish I truly wish I knew what He had ahead for me....yet I do understand I must wait....and life He gave...this very sad and challenging one without Adam inside it is mine...and I must continue on inside of it with purpose.  My friends on the hill encourage us....believe in us...see a light within that...singing carols, baking cookies, laughing...sharing ideas to do good things, we all have our stories....we all have a reason WHY we gravitated together, I truly believe that.  Last night I answered the door, Hazel barking like usual....I see a lovely lady standing there with a Christmas tote filled with homemade cookies....She hands them to me to use for our caroling project Sunday....you see we sing Christmas songs and end each visit with a little bag of tasty cookies to the shut in we entertain....only this lady had a different story, she wasn't donating for any old reason...she was paying it forward, we tears she told me our group sang to her VERY ill husband last winter and he enjoyed it so much, it made a difference in his day, choking back tears I asked about him now????  He passed she said I enveloped her into my arms, together we cried about loss...I have learned that only those who endured GREAT loss understand the hearts fully of those who encountered GREAT LOSS....my heart was full and although I cried awhile after she left....I know that I am being drawn into the right places...and God surrounds us with the people we are supposed to be with....

july

sadness lives within my heart...somehow I have learned to live around it.  I hide it...I put it in places where others do not see it...keeping busy with life has helped....I turned a corner years ago deciding I needed to live the closest to normal of a life that I could....people like me, we become "good" at it, good at disguising our pain....good at blending in...yup, that's me.  Last night I went to a graduation party and watched old neighbors talk....laugh....share stories.  Many times years ago it was Adam that was part of that circle...as times continues to march forward, less stories or talk of Adam is heard.  The life he had and shared stopped completely, Ted and I are left with little stories we remember and share with each other daily....I am crying as I type this because I do not know what I would do...who I would be....or what person I might have become had i not had his strength and love and belief in me...I watch him go through his life...and he carries himself with utter Grace and Dignity, he taught me by example how to continue...not everyone understands me...I think after Adam died that I somehow thought everyone would always be nice...play fair and be kind, especially with my situation...but in life, there is no free pass and as sad as it is...I've learned to gravitate to what feels "good" and distance myself from the negativity....by doing this I have learned the value of great friends....I have opened myself to new things, even silly things that I would have never done in another lifetime...I grew strong, but I also grew much more empathy along my path...there isn't a single thing I couldn't talk about...or listen to...or understand.  I feel wisdom (sometimes anyway)....from the healing of my own pain and what I've learned from it....I have learned to listen....actually listen....and through this I have learned much....MUCH about myself and much about those around me.  I still like "the me" I am...and have no desire to ever follow others in changing who I am....Ted and I embrace our good days and encourage each other...we also encourage others.  We keep our bodies strong, we walk, jog, bike...there is nothing that makes your soul feel more alive than being outdoors surrounded by the glorious beauty of nature...and those butterflies and red winged blackbirds still follow us along those trails, perhaps little signs that our son is watching us...I wonder what Adam would think of us...of me?  If he's be proud of where we are?  The journey we traveled...I miss him so much....